Quote:
Originally Posted by Thinker
Personally speaking, I don't feel I have to choose. And, no, I don't think there is a need to do so.
It may sound pretty basic, but that really is how it has been for me.......for us.
We lead a simple life together, and some of our local interactions are in places and with people who were around when I was not read as male. We don't act any differently now than we did when we were first getting acquainted with these people.
I don't feel that we should steer clear of those people who knew us "back when". I also don't feel that we should *only* socialize where straight people are........or *only* where queer people are........or *only* anywhere else.
And like MB said, I don't relate well to the "lifestyle" thing. This is my life, and I live it. Depending on what we decide to do or where we decide to go, we may end up with folks who are gay or maybe they're straight or any other color under the rainbow.
I'm not sure if I'm answering the questions of if I'm minimizing anything. That's not my intent, of course.
I've just never felt like I needed to choose.
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I relate to much of what you said, particularly those things in bold. I respect each individual's desire to follow what they see as their path, even if it means turning away from the community that has supported them. I wonder if the sum of the experience for some, though, hasn't been one of support, when in fact they are just as likely to experience backlash and exclusion (but that's a different conversation).
Anyway. We live a simple life, too. We're just folks. We have to attend the company picnic (and be the only "non-traditional" couple in attendance), take the kid to her myriad social events, and go about our regular routine. I don't feel "other" until someone makes me feel so, which isn't really all that often.
I have a bit of a personal question, if you're game. At some point, it's likely you made the decision to dress in masculine fashion; maybe that first time you wore a suit to a family function, or in a non-queer social setting? How did that compare (coming out as a masculine butch), if there is any comparison, to "coming out" as male to "people who were around when (you were) not read as male?" In other words, were the experiences similar in terms of your own anxiety, or how people responded to you? (Hoping that makes sense.)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bit
Omigawd, Bent, speaking as a Queer Transensual Femme---YES, YES, yes, a thousand times YES, I felt I had to choose between my own identity and my potential partners' identities, between my community and theirs, between being queer and being straight... and omg the grief. I cried for months, trying to figure out what it meant that I was in love with guys who were straight and I still needed to be Queer, trying to figure out how I could have Butches and Transmen both in my life, trying to figure out how I could ever leave my community behind--and believing I would be forced to.
[snip]
Bent, I wanted to say thank you for your earlier post about my questions. It is so very difficult to avoid offending people when the subject is so fraught with difficult emotions to begin with, isn't it? I know that no one ever intends to offend... but sometimes there's just so much baggage from lifetimes of not fitting in, of thinking we're the only one in the world, of feeling ostracized by friends, families, lovers.
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Thank
you, Bit for speaking from the Partner Perspective. I read the first line of your post and turned to
e and said, "of course - It applies to both sides of the relationship!" So glad you addressed this.
I agree that this subject, and all its permutations and off-shoots are fraught with emotion and potentially explosive. But I think as long as we remember to respect each person's experience, and remain open we can navigate it. Many of us (I know you, Thinker, me, and others here) were on b-f.com talking about this stuff before anyone even knew the term "cis-gendered." All we had was bio- this and that. Point being, we all had to learn along the way.