[Sachita]

I'm feeling a bit isolated these days. I spent a few days away from the farm while Wanton Boi looked after things. To be honest I was feeling pretty predatory (word stolen from a recent conversation with a friend) and needed to project my dominance. Wanton couldn't wait for me to get home so hy could go home and escape the work "I am". Hys words were "I need a few days off." Ok thats cool. But in I was still disappointed. It seems that hy is submissive to me when it suits hym and I've allowed this to happen because it's more then what I had before. These deep feelings in me have awoke and nothing else compares. To be honest I'm a little sad under all that hotness.

Many many moons ago although I did feel comfort in the BDSM community female domination was still frowned upon. My style was spiritual, nurturing and more of an emotional dynamic then physical BDSM play. I had this very strict protocol and it truly was "My way or the highway". I didn't have safewords and my relationships 24/7. Even BDSM'ers found my style a bit unrealistic and concluded that I was full of myself. I enjoy female supremacy as part of my sexual/spiritual scene. I don't really feel that I am superior to everyone else. I just enjoy that whole dynamic with someone. There were few circles I really felt comfortable even within BDSM.

Anyhow I need to sort some things out and was hoping I could share some things here and of course get some feedback. My life, for all intent and purposes, is great! I struggled with a lot of conflict, had a few butch-femme relationships and feel, for the most part, that I know what I want. Still looming is some conflict and fear wondering if what I want truly does exist.

I miss my old life. Especially now with the little dabblings from Wanton Boi. Many parts of me are the same, however I have evolved into a truly multifaceted woman. One who is truly with me needs to be flexible and secure. This is something Wanton is not. I'd like to find something in the middle, if that makes sense. Someone who feels comfortable with me leading and not threatened by it. I love butch boi's but I don't think I can do the stone thing. At the same time I don't always feel the need to wear cock and fuck someone, I prefer being fucked, but if that mood strikes (and it does!) I want them to be receptive.

One of Wanton's biggest complaints about me is that I am often aloof and hard to read. I often am focused on work and I might completely ignore you without thinking about it. I've heard this from others that have served me or been in relationships with. I enjoy my space a lone but I really enjoy someone in the background attending to me. Someone that truly is at my beck and call and enjoys it. Is this selfish?

There are times when I feel a poly relationship, myself and several bottoms, would work best for me. The only problem with this is that I need to "feel" primary and be totally in charge. It doesnt work for me any other way. I don't have jealousy and insecurity like some. It's more of a possession and ownership. Does this make sense?

Finally, I want to explore more of these types of relationships even if they are on a limited basis. Living in the country makes dating so hard as it is. I truly am a subculture within a subculture. Where do you feel is the best place to explore and find others of like mind? Is it me or is it hard finding femme lead folks in the queer community? I would also enjoy a more private venue. I dislike that anyone can come here and read the forums without being registered. Its not that I have anything to hide but prefer my private stuff private.