Quote:
Originally Posted by betenoire
Cheating is selfish, cowardly, and cruel - no matter what the circumstances are.
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Fundamentally I agree with you.
But there can be other circumstances that make choices harder and make your statement seem flippant and short sighted.
I will use my own story as an example. Feel free to judge it how you see fit, I say this knowing that it is impossible to really understand all of the complexities of anyone's relationships or reality.
I have always known I was attracted to women, but have not ever been in a relationship with one. I fell in love with a man over 20 years ago and we have been together ever since. Despite my attraction to women, I did not do anything about it because I was in a committed relationship. I have been married to that same man and was faithful to that man for over 20 years. I say 'was' because I made a choice a few months ago that I both do and do not regret. I did not tell my husband. I am currently engaged in an emotional affair. I did not tell my husband, nor do I intend to. The latter is a bigger betrayal in my opinion, but we will stick with the original premise for now.
I will illustrate the points that lead me to my decision:
Point 1: A little over two years ago my husband (who is 14 years older than me) was diagnosed with prostate cancer. The emotional and physical toll of the diagnosis and treatment ended our sex life for 2 years and after 2 years of absolutely no physical contact, what sex life returned was an occasional desire on his part for me to perform a particular act that I willingly do, but no desire on his part to reciprocate or even show desire toward me at all. I have been often brutally honest with him about my feelings and desires, I have begged, gotten angry, thrown myself at him, tried to show him what I want, etc. Nothing has changed other than he now avoids the subject altogether.
Is this indicative of a problem in our marriage? Yes. Is it worth leaving 20 years of history with a man that I love (regardless of my sexual preference)? In my opinion, no.
Point 2:The statistics and realities with prostate cancer treatment, the incidence of cancer recurrence, his other very real and serious illness, and just the changes in sexual desire and function in men as they age, predict that sexual issues we have are not likely to change and further treatment for this or another very serious illness he has will be needed.
I am the breadwinner of the family. At this point I pay all of the bills and his medical insurance is through my job (he is self employed). I will not have him think for even
ONE MINUTE that he will not be able to pay for his current or any future treatment or that he will be alone if he is to fall seriously ill again. As long as he will have me I will be by his side to his or my last breath. Dramatic, but reality.
Point 3: One option is to tell him that I want to stay married to him, but am sexually attracted to women and ask his "permission" to have another relationship with a woman. Someone asked me once how I would feel if he gave his "blessings" to this type of arrangement. I said I would be thrilled, but I have known him 20 years and the likelihood of that is slim, but the risk of him looking at me and thinking that I had lived 20 years of a lie and I had never been attracted to him or loved him is too great. I will not have him think that ever, because it is not true.
Point 4: Another option is to remain faithful in an essentially sexless marriage with promise of sex returning to even what it was before prostate cancer. A lot of women end up leaving their husbands after prostate cancer treatment. The emotional toll is devastating and then when your partner decides he is ok with no sex life regardless of what your desire are, it gets worse. I am not leaving. So remaining faithful in a sexless marriage is what I chose for 2 years. We do not have children, only each other. I could not throw myself into my kids lives to try to avoid the loneliness. What it did was made me insane and ultimately when given the chance I cheated. I offer no excuses. I made the decision. The sex was great the aftermath was, probably deservedly, a fucking nightmare.
From all of this I summarize:
Is he perfect? No.
I am perfect? Not even close.
Do I love him? Yes, totally and completely.
Can I live without physical contact with another person? No. And if I am going to be with someone else I choose to be with the gender I am physically attracted to.
Is absolving myself of guilt worth the emotional pain and financial impact it would inflict on him? No.
Prior to all of this I would have never thought there was room in my heart for anyone other than my husband, recent events have called that into question.
I do not know where I am going from here. I do not have any excuses or answers. What I did and am doing is wrong, but I am not sure nailing myself to the cross and denying my needs is right either.