I am there right now. I have a re-occurrence of PTSD, from what I am told. I had a severely abusive relationship in my early 30s and after a string of pretty bad relationships this decade, I am re-experiencing the trauma from the original one. I have tried to have relationships since that last string but found i couldnt trust, and got all squirrely in my head. The fear was overwhelming.
I have a great compromise. I have a sweet submissive who is able to wonderfully deal and not tread on my issues. Its very therapeutic for me. Wholesome even.
I have a friend I love so much but it remains a friendship because, amongst many things, I am so broken. I have discovered over time that I can only love as a friend. Not as a lover....
I would rather cut off my hand than try to have another relationship. Seriously. Ask someone to go stand in traffic...same response.
I dont want to change. Its safer here. I am happier here.
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Pole bachit, a lis chuye.
The field sees, the forest hears
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