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ScandalAndy · 10-07-2011, 06:13 AM

I have to admit, I noticed this thread when you first posted it, but for some reason avoided clicking on it. Now I think I know why.

I've been "doing the work" as everyone is so fond of saying around here. Being very blunt with myself about the bad relationship choices I made in the past, and trying to figure out how not to make those mistakes anymore.

Reading through this thread, each new post and paragraph was like having a HUGE mirror held up in front of my face. I identify and sympathize so much with the pain everyone is sharing, and I am finally understanding the depth of the damage that has been done to me. It surprises me how many different people in my life I see echoing through these stories, and how similarly we have all suffered. I am disappointed with myself, and kind of shocked to admit how many abusive relationships I've been in. Was deluding myself about that part of my numbness defense? I am trying to learn how not to beat myself up over it, and to forgive myself. It's a double whammy to be with an abuser, while abusing yourself.

If I had come here before I was ready, I would have been overwhelmed. Today I feel more inspired to keep working hard to get past all the unpleasantness in my head, to learn how to be kind to myself. Before, I was doing it because there were people who showed interest and led me to believe if i only tried harder, I would be able to be with them. I didn't want to disappoint them, or lose out on the chance for love, so I pushed myself before I was ready. No more. I am keeping track of my motivations for changing myself, and if I'm not doing for me, then I'm not going to do it at all.

Thank you, all of you, for reminding me that there is nothing wrong with taking the time I need to be okay with myself, as long as I never stop poking around in those dark corners and keep moving forward. You are all so brave and amazing. It takes so much strength to look inside ourselves, and then to share that. Thank you, RY, for starting this thread. I hope that it helps everyone as much as it has helped me.

10-07-2011, 06:13 AM	#29
ScandalAndy Member How Do You Identify?: human femme spitfire Preferred Pronoun?: she/her Relationship Status: it's official! Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: east coast USA Posts: 1,167 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 3,758 Thanked 3,220 Times in 753 Posts Rep Power: 21474850	I have to admit, I noticed this thread when you first posted it, but for some reason avoided clicking on it. Now I think I know why. I've been "doing the work" as everyone is so fond of saying around here. Being very blunt with myself about the bad relationship choices I made in the past, and trying to figure out how not to make those mistakes anymore. Reading through this thread, each new post and paragraph was like having a HUGE mirror held up in front of my face. I identify and sympathize so much with the pain everyone is sharing, and I am finally understanding the depth of the damage that has been done to me. It surprises me how many different people in my life I see echoing through these stories, and how similarly we have all suffered. I am disappointed with myself, and kind of shocked to admit how many abusive relationships I've been in. Was deluding myself about that part of my numbness defense? I am trying to learn how not to beat myself up over it, and to forgive myself. It's a double whammy to be with an abuser, while abusing yourself. If I had come here before I was ready, I would have been overwhelmed. Today I feel more inspired to keep working hard to get past all the unpleasantness in my head, to learn how to be kind to myself. Before, I was doing it because there were people who showed interest and led me to believe if i only tried harder, I would be able to be with them. I didn't want to disappoint them, or lose out on the chance for love, so I pushed myself before I was ready. No more. I am keeping track of my motivations for changing myself, and if I'm not doing for me, then I'm not going to do it at all. Thank you, all of you, for reminding me that there is nothing wrong with taking the time I need to be okay with myself, as long as I never stop poking around in those dark corners and keep moving forward. You are all so brave and amazing. It takes so much strength to look inside ourselves, and then to share that. Thank you, RY, for starting this thread. I hope that it helps everyone as much as it has helped me. __________________ The joy of discovery is certainly the liveliest that the mind of man can ever feel. - Claude Bernard (1813-78)