[SecretAgentMa'am]

If you read the comments on the article, you'll see that the author's spouse commented roughly halfway down. He is very clear in his comment that he self-identifies as a tranny, uses the word tranny regularly, and does not consider it a slur. I don't think there was anything transphobic in her use of the word. She probably just didn't know that a lot of people don't feel the way her partner does about it.

One of the things I've found pretty disturbing in the years since I entered the LGBT community is the unspoken (hell, sometimes spoken outright) ethic that femme lesbians aren't allowed to have non-approved feelings about their partners transitioning. Anything other than wholehearted, joyful support will be labeled as transphobic. I applaud this woman for having the courage to say in public that she didn't have good feelings about her partner's transition, that it was hard for her, that it still is hard.

When I met my wife, she'd already been living 24/7/365 as a woman for 20 years. Trans issues were old hat to her, but the whole concept was entirely new to me. I knew that trans people existed, but I'd never known anyone who was trans as far as I was aware. So, knowing that I had a lot of questions and that some of them might inadvertently be hurtful to her, I started looking for online support communities for partners of trans people. I figured that would be a good way to talk to people who were dealing with some of the same feelings and issues that I was. How wrong I was. I learned pretty early on that any question other than "How can I best express my love and support of my trans partner to the world?" was transphobic. Questions about the long-term health risks of hormone therapy? Transphobic, and how I dare I even suggest that trans people are somehow damaged. Questions about terminology? How dare I use that slur that I had no idea was a slur until I got yelled at for it. Wondering how trans men fit into the lesbian community (keeping in mind that I had been clear that I had almost zero experience with the LGBT community at all), aren't they straight men now? Well, that's just about the most transphobic thing I could possibly have said, and that one got me banned from the group.

I didn't ask any of those questions out of transphobia. I asked them out of sheer ignorance. I honestly didn't know, and I thought a support group would have been the place to ask. Nope. As far as I could find, support groups for anyone who is really, actually struggling or honestly doesn't know how to navigate the community appear to be all but non-existent. I hope more articles like this one are published. Maybe if more partners admit that they didn't feel great about their significant other's transition, they'll be able to get some real support and deal with it better, rather than just learning how to stuff their own needs and feelings.