[theoddz]

Like Linus and Bete, I too have done the international LDR thing and had it succeed....and then, unlike them, had it very painfully flop. My ex was Canadian and from Ontario. We met back in 1994 on (then) CompuServe and talked, visited, etc., for 2 very long years. She made the decision to be the one to move because I had a plethora of reasons I had to stay in the U.S., at the time, mostly health care related. She was living in Ottawa at the time and was working for an IT company that was on the verge of closing. In addition to coming down here to live with me, she saw the added opportunity of finding a better career situation here in the States. She was, initially, going to transfer down here to Richmond, VA, to a branch of her Canadian-based company, but the fellow who promised to facilitate her transfer was suddenly fired, so that fell through. She decided to come down anyway, and then figure out the employment situation afterwards. I remember being very cautious about this and telling her that, although I dearly wanted her with me more than anything else, that she had to be *sure* that she was doing the right thing in both her heart and mind, because there was a certain degree of personal happiness that she had to take responsibility for herself. I, and the love and respect we shared, would not, in itself, be enough to give her complete happiness. She had to make herself happy with herself, first and foremost. Of course, she agreed that she understood this and was not making any rash decisions. So, I got a job in Richmond, and an apartment and she quickly followed and we set up housekeeping together in a beautiful apartment in West Richmond.

During the six years that followed, she never found employment in the various places we lived (Jacksonville, FL, San Diego, CA, Sacramento, CA and finally here, in Las Vegas, NV) and her efforts to do so were often half-hearted and (I felt) insincere. I could never figure out why she never seemed interested, because she had 2 Bachelor's degrees in both Psychology and Business Administration. She was smart as a whip, pretty as all getout and had a quiet, easygoing, very kind and gentle personality. She hardly ever became upset about anything, except when the topic of her getting a job was concerned. Thinking about it now, there were financial stresses but not really severe ones because I was fortunate enough to support us both on what I make. Still, the fact that she couldn't/wouldn't seek employment bothered me, and I think her too, because someone with J's intellect just couldn't/wouldn't be happy just sitting around the house every day, doing nothing but keeping house, cooking, cleaning. I could tell it was wearing on her and just killing her spirit, but every time we'd try to talk about it, she became very defensive and ultimately shut down. It was the only problem we ever had with communication. Otherwise, we were absolute soulmates. She was my very best friend and I loved her tremendously. I still do, in many ways. She will always have my undying respect and affection, to this date and forever.

I'm not sure what exactly happened, but right after 9/11, in 2001, J became very isolated and, I thought, miserable. The United Sates was reeling after being attacked by terrorists, and the evening news became a nightly tirade against undocumented "alien" residents and an ardent effort to ferret these people out and deport them to their home countries. J and I were genuinely afraid of her status as one of those "undocumented aliens". Her parents called her on the phone just about every day, and sometimes numerous times a day, and J would always take the calls in the other room. I had the distinct impression that they were, perhaps, trying to persuade J to return home, for fear she might get caught up in the anti-immigrant/"alien" fervor and suffer the humiliation of deportation. I'm sure they (rightfully) feared for her, though she had never done anything illegal. She'd never worked or taken anything from the American social system. She was just here. As for me, well, it really just chapped my ass that I had served honorably, in the U.S. Marine Corps to protect the "American way of life" and rights of other people that were being denied to me. I came to deeply resent the fact (in my mind/immagination) that some young sailor, away from home for the first time, could be sitting in a foreign bar room, drunk, and be able to marry the first piece of ass he ever had....and then be able to bring the new wife into this country legally, the very next day!!! Here I was, though, with the love of my life, my soulmate, my J, who I was absolutely devoted to, yet we were fearing that she'd be deported because I couldn't bring her legally into this country. It pissed me off then and it still pisses me off, just thinking about it.

So, all that being said, our relationship sunk into a mundane existence and just finally seemed to stall out. I think I knew what was wrong (her unhappiness with the situation and my inability to make it any better), but I just couldn't solve it for her myself. It was really sad, because we did love each other very, very much. It's just that, sometimes, all the love in the world just isn't enough.

The last day I ever saw J was the morning of February 25, 2002, as I left for work. I remember walking out the door and looking back at her as she bent down to pick up the daily newspaper, which was lying on the front step. She looked up at me and simply said, "I love you." I told her "I love you, too.", back. When I got home that night, she was gone. There was a note on the kitchen counter, telling me goodbye and to please let her go and move on.

Well, I guess there was nothing for it but to do exactly has she had requested. We talked on the phone, briefly, a couple of times about some "loose ends" that needed to be tied up after that, but I never pressured her to reconsider. She's a smart woman, that J. I loved her enough to let her go, and to give her the space and respect she needed to get on with her life, too. We don't talk now. I have no idea where she is or what she is doing. I do hope that she has found her space and her happiness...and what she is looking for. I will always carry her in my heart and I still, sometimes, think of her and wish that I could just talk to her one more time. Of it all, I miss my best friend the most.

So yes, I've done the LDR. I have taken from my experience the valuable lesson that you cannot "fix" other people or make someone else happy in every way. There is a very large element of personal responsibility connected with happiness that each partner is solely responsible for themselves. You can have all the love, respect, etc., in the world for each other, but there's also a large element of other factors that we all need to take responsibility for, ourselves.

As for my part, well, I have resolved to not ever take the full responsibility of trying to "fix" someone, or their life, because I cannot do that, any more than I can hang the moon, by myself. There's a saying about this sort of thing that goes, "No matter where you go, there you are.". We all have to be vested in our own selves and lives, and that means our careers/jobs as well as our hearts. I have personally experienced what it is to miserably fail at trying to do otherwise, and let my heart rule above my head, while also ignoring my gut. I know now that just loving someone is not always enough. They also have to love and respect themselves, too. If you are fortunate enough to have all of these considerations working in both of your favors, before you take that big step of joining your lives and asking one partner to up and leave an established life in one locale for another, then I would say that you've got a pretty good shot at making something really great work. If not, well, the results may not, ultimately, be so favorable.

My .02

~Theo~