I used to have a thing for pitiful folks. Really, I wanted to save them, make them happy and be this wonderful shining, light in their life so they would never ever want to let me go. That was before I gained a decent sense of self-worth and self esteem, mind you.
I loved tough luck cases. I made friends with them and, many times, became their lover. They were the only friends and lovers I'd accept, beyond my long term friendships (I have two close friends that I've loved for almost sixteen years). I was determined to save someone, you see. It never worked, of course, and while I'm not really the sort to seek pity, I usually just couldn't understand how the heck everything would keep going wrong. I would be baffled as one calamity after another occurred. Friends would disappear and I'd feel confused, but I'd keep sticking by my partner or the friends who's lives were troubled.
Eventually, about five years ago, I started to change my life... and I do mean my whole being. Everything about me is different - mentally, emotionally, physically I'm a new girl. I'm finally 'me.' I don't need to save someone to be worthy of love anymore; I'm good enough as is. I ended a toxic relationship, stepped away from a couple toxic situations, battled a decent amount of guilt, rekindled one of my long term friendships that got messed up, apologized to anyone I could find that had been hurt by my actions or inaction, and sought for peacefulness within myself and my life.
I still have acquaintances and people I care about that really only seek me out when they have issues, but today I've learned to distance myself a little bit. The only thing I really have to offer them is a kind ear. Sometimes, that's all people really need, however: someone to listen to them (I really think the world would be different if we stopped arguing and really started listening). I like people in general, I don't have any issues or problems with anyone and there have not been any calamities in my life for several years. I can accept everyone, regardless of who they are or where they are in life, but I do not need to keep them close to me nor do I need to rescue them anymore. I don't hold grudges, I don't have anger, I don't even have regret anymore.
Arwen, I'm happy you were able to put your friendships back together. There are still a couple people that I've never been able to apologize to and sometimes miss. I hope for their happiness.
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