[Martina]

i have not stayed in touch with a few people because it felt like work. i have fallen out of touch with people i still consider friends too. That seems to be my guilty thing. i wish i didn't do it. If i took better care of myself and had fewer distractions from my health, i imagine i would stay in closer touch. Definitely something i feel very bad about.

In terms of dropping sick or crazy people, i rarely go through the sense of loss once i realize that they were harmful to be around. Usually i have to process the stuff they did to me. i resent the hell out of the time that takes and find that hard to forgive. Time is precious. As is one's sense of safety. People who compromise that are hard to forgive. i often wonder how they live with themselves -- not in terms of just me. They do what they do to others. It's hard to understand people who justify and feel OK about harming others.

i also feel really stupid and duped and i resent that too. It's a terrible feeling. All of it makes one less trusting.

My big lesson has been if someone will do something to others, it's just a matter of time till they do it to you too. What narcissism on my part to think that i would be an exception.

i am embarrassed and ashamed to admit this stuff too.

i am grateful for the fabulous friends i have and that, whatever ups and downs i have had in my romantic and D/s life, there has been respect. i can't imagine what hell it would be like to be in an intimate relationship with some of these folk.