[Medusa]

I'd like to use some of Teh Arwen's questions as a bouncing off point:

So what do you think? Have you ever held a grudge?

Most definitely. It always tended to come from being so deeply hurt and angry that I just could'nt get over it. At this point in my life, I don't like to hold grudges against people because that takes up way too much space in my heart. What I do instead is maintain my boundaries with that person in more effective ways. I think I have been guilty of holding grudges, which feel to me like maintaining anger, when what I really wanted to do was make sure tht person never had the access required to hurt me again. I try to live now remembering that what I do is about me, and that what they do is about them.


Ever had to let a friend go because they were toxic?

Unfortunately, yes. Letting go of a friendship that you deeply care about is a very hard process and not something I take lightly. I often will try to endure their faults, providing they endure mine, for a long time. This can sometimes lead to resentment if I dont keep myself in check that their behavior is sometimes their coping mechanism and not necessarily because they are doing something "to" me, but rather acting out their behavior "around" me.
Toxicity in a friendship looks like this to me:
* disrespect of my partner
* disrespect of boundaries
* taking constantly without ever giving back
* betraying confidences with the intent to harm
* treating the friendship like a love relationship in which I am expected to act as surrogate wife or partner (which comes with unreal expectations)
* manipulation or hostage-holding behavior
* unhealthy competitiveness
* constant demands on time or affection without regard to what I have going on in my life.

Do those things long enough in a friendship with me and I have to wave goodbye. I like to think of it as "letting go with love".

Ever had to tap dance around someone because they were in your circle of friends somehow?

Yes. I would never want people around me to feel like they have to choose sides. I am not always great, however, at keeping my feelings inside but I do try to not be a roadblock for other people to have relationships with people I am no longer friends with. It can be super uncomfortable to do the tap dance and I have been known to remove myself from situations where I feel that the other person is going to use the time with shared friends to play out their drama with me, cause I'm not really having it.


How do you do it gracefully? How do you do it without turning it into a community/family/friends free-for-all?

I am often ungraceful but the one thing I try to do is remember that everyone is going to have a relationship based upon what works for them. If I break up with a friend who is a manipulating victim and they are able to maintain a friendship with others who are ok with their behavior, then I leave that to them.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not putting up with any shit so if the person I'm no longer friends with starts telling people "Did you know that Medusa is an asshole? Here's WHY!" and then proceeds to tell a lie about me or rewrite history so that they appear to be the victim of me, that person will probably be getting a phone call from me.
I probably would wait a while to make that call though because the people who are my friends and who love me aren't going to let someone else tell them what kind of experience to have of me.

The people who would listen to that kind of stuff and ingest it? Probably not my friends anyway.

I try to keep in mind that people change. I certainly was not the same person 10 years ago that I am today. We change and hopefully grow into better people.
I think if I cut someone out of my life who had been a friend and they showed up 10 years later, I would watch them for a long time before accepting them back in my space.
I would check these things:
Are they repeating the same behavior that caused me to break up the friendship with them?
Are they honest about their behavior back then?
Are they able to take responsibility for what they did and allow me to take responsibility for my stuff as well?
Are they rewriting history and having a very different recollection of what went down between us?
Are they still dwelling in negative/manipulative/dishonest space?
And on some level, have they been able to maintain any friendships in the last several years? (If they haven't, I'll wonder why)

More in a bit! Great thread!