[Starbuck]

I too have been diagnosed with major depression and post traumatic stress disorder. I have a long history of cutting my wrists as well, not to kill myself, but to feel something other than the anger in my soul. I've used razor blades 6 times to cut myself to the point that I've needed stitches to sew my gaping wounds back together. I didn't just scratch myself like some people like to do. I wanted to see blood rolling down my hand. My anger would block out the physical pain and I knew that when I saw the blood dripping, that's when I could stop. I'm not writing this to bullshit anyone, or to gross anyone out, this is my story of depression and PTSD.

My left wrist is just down right ugly. I had a large area of skin that almost died because it lost blood supply. Luckily the stitches closed it up well enough. My right wrist looks a bit better with only two parallel lines from one side of my wrist all the way across to the other side of
my wrist each...I did those on the same night. I was very angry that night. I'm left with permanent reminders of what I've done to myself and I wear bracelets to try and hide my scars.

You see, I didn't know how to express my emotions other than to hurt myself.
That is, until I went to a residential 6 week women's program for PTSD and depression. Therapists there used DBT, ACT, individual therapy, group therapy, and other methods to help me learn how to deal with my problems. Now I'm
not saying they're gone, but they are way better managed!

I still deal with situational depression and urges to cut, but my therapist reminds me that just
as the urge to cut comes in like a wave, it will flow out like a wave...and that helps me. I'm proud to say that this February will mark a two year anniversary since I last cut. My therapist and I have a "toolbox" or a plan of action to take to distract me when I have these urges to cut or when a depression come on. Usually all I need is someone to remind me what is "in my toolbox"; that way I don't have to think when I'm depressed...you can't think when you're like that!

Most everything in my toolbox is a right-brained activity. Something that requires you to be creative. I like to paint or do puzzles, word games like sudoku, etc. Those are perfect. I find that once I get started on one of those, my mind is fully enveloped in that activity and I forget what I was upset about.

I hope I haven't bored anyone with this story or triggered anyone, I did leave a warning up top In my mind, there is nothing wrong or bad seeing a therapist when you need to and there certainly isn't anything wrong with taking an antidepressant! Depression is as real a disease as heart disease or
diabetes. I go to the Veterans Hospital for my care, as I am a Veteran, and I love their mental health slogan: "It takes the strength of a soldier to ask for help".