[oblivia]

Originally Posted by Arwen

So what do you think? Have you ever held a grudge? Ever had to let a friend go because they were toxic? Ever had to tap dance around someone because they were in your circle of friends somehow?

How do you do it gracefully? How do you do it without turning it into a community/family/friends free-for-all?

First of all - great topic.

Secondly, I've really struggled with the loss of friendships and relationships over the last five to ten years.

I fully own that my biggest problem in this time-frame has been the lack of discernment in forging friendships and relationships in the first place. For the longest time I was so shy and had such low self-esteem that if anyone wanted to be my friend - for any reason - I would accept them with open arms into my life.

In addition to this low self-esteem lack of discernment, I also have difficulty creating personal barriers in how much of me I share with people. I am not very good at being selective about what I share. I like to feel I can be 100% myself with people and I almost feel like I'm lying when I am not fully disclosing. I know that's also something that needs working on but then again - maybe not. I like being authentic. I like being myself.

So anyway - this has led to a big-time recipe for disaster. When I was in my teens and early to mid twenties - anyone who wanted to be my friend would be. I would also fully be myself. Be fully trusting. And just naively assume that everyone had my back. Not so much. As you can imagine - I put a lot of trust into a lot of people that didn't necessarily deserve it, or who weren't prepared or interested in the type of friendship I offered.

The result was that I ended up with a whole lot of friends, only a few of them very close, but none of those relationships had any clear cut boundaries from my side.

And then I started to grow up.

I started to gain some self-esteem.

I started to notice all the ways I was used, abused, taken for granted, manipulated, tread on. .... all of them, I had some culpability in for I allowed these relationships to develop this way by my own complacency and lack of boundaries. I was a free-for-all kinda friend. I was a yes-girl. I said no, to no one. I felt guilty if I put myself first in anything.... so these relationships developed under these rules.

When I noticed this was bad.... unhealthy.... that the relationships were unbalanced or unhealthy... and began standing up for myself and setting boundaries - naturally many people were shocked. They felt like I changed the rules on them. They didn't understand why last week this behaviour was acceptable and this week it wasn't. They didn't see that my personal growth meant the rules had to change.

Was it fair to them? Maybe not. But it was still necessary. And in this process, that lasted at least five years, I lost almost all of my friends.

In hindsight, many of these people were never good for me. They never had my best interests at heart. They were not there for me. They appreciated or enjoyed what I had to offer - and offered little (if anything) in return.

But do I hate them? No. I just wasn't the person that I was when the relationships/friendships began. No one's fault, necessarily.

It really got hard for a while. I was letting go way more friendships than I was acquiring. My social schedule got really empty. I didn't have a bunch of people to call on to go do stuff with whenever.... but ... the very small selection of folks that were left - were healthy. They were good.

Originally Posted by Cajun_dee

It's funny how when we become self empowering, certain people drift away.

This pretty much describes, in a nutshell, my experience with friendships over the last decade. I have more self-esteem, more self-empowerment, and more self-love than I ever had before and many, many people surrounding me didn't like me now that I wasn't their Yes Girl anymore. This was hard. It was difficult for me to accept - but I did... and I learned from it.

Originally Posted by WolfyOne

I have learned over many years and plenty hard knocks, family isn't always made up of blood relatives

As part of my personal growth process, and facing relationships that were toxic to me, I have had to come to terms with the unhealthy, unbalanced, power-over relationships from within my family.

I have a very firm no-contact boundary with my older Sister, right now. And limited contact with both of my parents.

This is REALLY hard for me, as I was raised to believe blood family comes first no matter what.

I have learned, that it is OKAY that I do not want my older sister in my life, or my parents. I love them. But they are bad for me. They hurt me. They abuse me. They take advantage of me. They trigger unhealthy behaviour in me. And it's okay that even though we are related by blood - that I do not want to allow them access to continue to do so.

I focus very heavily on chosen family, now. I have a supportive and loving butch Wife, two amazing adult step-children, an Unka, and a very select few close friends. And that is my Family.

Originally Posted by PinkieLee

Most of my adult life, I've lived by the saying that people come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Each person and/or relationship is meant to teach a lesson, for one if not both of us.

A friend of mine once gave me a beautiful analogy that really helped me when I was struggling with all the losses of people I thought were friends during my big growth spurt....

She said that it's like we're all climbing a mountain. Each of us is making our way up the mountain in the way that we choose. Some of us choose easier, slower, winding paths. Some choose steeper. Some move quickly, some slowly, etc. People make choices along the way to pause and rest for a while.... or even to go back down the mountain. The mountain, in essence is our personal growth. Now, throughout our trek up the mountain, we meet up with other people. We end up on the same path, sometimes for a short time, sometimes longer. But when the people we're travelling with decide to pause, or take a different path - what should we do? Is it fair to them, to ignore what they are choosing and "drag" them along with us because we don't want to let them go? Similarly, is it fair to ourselves to pause or take THEIR path just so we are not lonely? No. The kind thing to do - the healthy thing to do - is to allow them their path, and honour our own.

Originally Posted by Hack

Interesting topic. I was just discussing friendships with someone last night.

I keep a very tight, small circle of close friends. All of whom I have known for more than 10 years. I know a lot of people because of the business I have been in for 20+ years now, but there are only a handful of people in my life who I know undoubtedly I can count on, who can count on me and who get me.

I like to think I do what is called preventative friendship. I am quite choosy 99 percent of the time with whom I spend my time with. I really don't befriend people who I think I are going to be drama-queens, emotional messes or who are just simply going to exhaust me. As I age, I notice more and more I am very stingy with my time. I really like to focus it on the people who mean a great deal to me.

Maybe this makes me a prick of sorts. Frankly, I don't care. My time is valuable, and how I spend it is completely up to me. As it should be.

I am with you.

I now find it very difficult to really make friends. I have a very specific expectation for people I allow to get very close. I need to trust them in a way that is hard to describe. I need to trust them with the authentic me. And the authentic me is vulnerable - and sometimes struggles with boundaries. I'm getting better at boundaries, but this does require me to be very, very selective... because I choose NOT to repeat the pattern of my early twenties - where I let everyone in and let them walk all over me only to realize later that I'd helped create an unhealthy friendship. Now I don't begin one, unless I am relatively certain that it will be healthy. I tread carefully. I feel it out. And if it looks like I'm having issues with boundaries, or things are not being reciprocal... I back out before we get attached to each other.

I don't think I'm guarded. I'm just very, very choosy!

~*~*~*~*~

One interesting thing I experienced recently was a friendship break-up.

One of my very best friends and I were at an impasse. I was having big issues with her partner. I felt her partner was abusing her. She claimed to be happy and healthy. And, I knew, that it was technically none of my business.... but I also knew I couldn't spend time around him. His treatment of her was very upsetting and triggery to me - no matter how much she seemed to like/be okay with it. And so, I contacted her and made a date to sit down over coffee and own up to it.

All things considered, the conversation went well. She was obviously offended and hurt that I felt she was in a toxic relationship - when she feels she is in the best relationship she's ever been in, and hurt that with all we have in common (her and I) that I couldn't understand that she was happy. I let her know that I completely understood - and owned that maybe it was "just me" but I just couldn't seem to get over it. We discussed what our options were. For myself, I'd hoped maybe we could have a friendship but not hang out as couples.... but that didn't seem to be an option for her... and I had to respect that. We spoke kindly and lovingly to each other, even through the confusion and the inevitable hurt. And we essentially decided to end the friendship. Together. We sat over our coffee/tea and told each other we wished each other well and that it was sad to let each other go but that it was time. We even discussed going home and immediately unfriending each other on Facebook so as to not have any lingering weirdness while we each processed our feelings about it - and so that we could have space to grieve/vent whatever.

We basically "broke up".

This was the healthiest and most positive end to a friendship I've ever had. It was devastatingly sad. But it was healthy and loving. We had insurmountable differences. And we treated it as a loving couple might. These were things that we individually felt were out of our control. And we joked, while we chatted, that this is how friendships should end... that we should be able to sit down and tell each other "hey, it's been great, but it's not working now" the same way that we are expected to do with lovers.

So often, friendships either implode with a dramatic fight or end, or they just quietly drift with one or both parties always wondering what happened.

This experience, ending this friendship, was painful - but I am so grateful.... because I was able to walk away peacefully, knowing that we had been honest with one another, and both made the decision that felt right to us.