So, after a lot of processing and reading all of the feedback here... here's where I'm at...
I definitely can understand being so angry one doesn't want to talk. I've been there. But I usually acknowledge that I need time to think and process and then remove myself from the situation.
My SO says that she has the right to vent when she is angry. She says if she doesn't get it off her chest it will only get worse. I can understand that.
What I can't understand is the need to scream and yell, drag up old arguments and get derogatory, lashing out verbally.
If I make an attempt to walk away she gets angrier because I'm "walking away" instead of talking.
If I try to talk and I make sense she gets mad and derails the argument with the yelling and "trash talking" (her words, not mine) -- I don't call it talking trash, I call it insulting the person you say you love.
I've decided this behavior is her way of attempting to "win" the argument. Walking away isn't an option because it allows ME time to regroup. Talking reasonably is only allowed if she's getting her way. And screaming and insulting me is a way to disarm me so that I'll withdraw and acquiesce to whatever her demands because it alarms me so much I'll do anything to make it stop.
I've drawn a line. She's not allowed to scream at me. She's not allowed to insult me.
And now I'm walking on egg shells.
I've been very clear. I don't think I'm being unreasonable. And it's my sincere wish that she's taken my words to heart and makes an obvious effort modify her behavior the next time she loses her temper. But mostly, I'm very, very sad that 18 months into this relationship this is where we are.
But at least I have some resolve and a plan. I have a little cash in the bank stuck back for Xmas so now I'm scaling back gift purchases in case I end up homeless for the holidays.
So, if you've read this far, I'm sorry for the ramble. LOL. But the point was, if you have some positive vibes to spare for a stranger you only know online, I could sure use them.
Thanks,
-S