[sylvie]

i get seriously emotional about this stuff... damn tapes...
Took me a bit to be able to respond myself. but here i'll try..

(((((Anya))))) first of all, like they all said, this thread is for the good & bad, and that's what makes this thread so motivating & inspiring.. When we can come in here and shake off the hard & challenging thoughts we have, or share the hurtful & angering things which holds us back sometimes.. That's where our growth comes from - sharing, usually.. So thank you everyone for sharing.. i can certainly relate.. As a child, i began obsessing food and remember thinking how fat i was and hating how people looked at me then.. Being so uncomfortable in my own skin, yet when i look at pictures of me then, i look almost flawless and wonder why on earth i was so hard on myself then...

Oh, i remember... my mother was one of the hardest people on me about my body image.. She consistently reminded me that every bit of food i was putting in my mouth would make me fatter and would pinch skin on certain parts of my body to tell me constantly she was going to put me on a diet.. i can remember this back as far as when i was 7 & 8 years old.. i remember her telling OTHER people she was shameful of my eating habits and weight gain..

i also remember one day (i was about 10 years old), i asked for 50 cents to go to the corner store with my friends, and she threw me on a weight scale demanding me to look at the number on that scale (i cant remember what the number was) and telling me that all the junkfood i was eating would give me a fat ass and high numbers and people would laugh at me.. i remember from that point on, i would sneak change every so often, and i would then hide and eat junkfood away from her sight.. i was devastated, but angry i couldn't fit in with my friends.. (i also remember this was how she taught me about smoking, when i was 8 she stuck a cigarette in my mouth and made me inhale til i coughed myself ill..) i've never touched a cigarette since, which i'm thankful for not smoking but her approach, gawd..

i remember developing some obsessive behaviours back as a child, through my teenage years also because i struggled with bullying from grade 7 on.. i remember trying to fit in, and doing extreme things , even foodwise.. Bringing your own lunch was unheard of, and growing up poor i didn't have money to spend.. So often went without a meal at lunch and then would be starving once the time i was home.. Regardless of what i did to try and fit in, i didn't.. i felt socially challenged, constantly and although i wasn't overweight or obese (yet), i certainly wasn't tiny at that time and girls would always pick at certain things on me or make fun of things i was wearing, or the way things fit me or something about my appearance.. The teasing, the laughing, the lonely feeling always got to me, more & more each day... & with that, i always turned to food. (secretly)

my mother & stepfather, would always get mad when i ate food, snacked ... i wasnt allowed friends over when they were home, everything had to be secret.. They were always out, whether working or at the bars at night.. food comforted me, and i remember binging on foods i craved so much because they wouldnt allow me them through the week.. And the hell i would go through after for having eaten whatever i did..

As an early adult, after having children, my weight of course increased while pregnant.. i gained 79 lbs with my son, & 68 with my daughter, without losing weight in between.. i obsessed the weight loss and it's been an uphill, downhill battle constantly with me, and the negative comments, the teasing, the harsh words from my mother (and ridicule from my constantly drunk father) it ALWAYS stays in my head.. At my heaviest i stopped looking in a mirror at myself fully.. i would focus on one area that needed to be looked at and go on with my day.. i loathed clothes shopping, and eventually got to a point in my life that i stopped even leaving my house until absolutely necessary.. i pushed people out of my life, for fear they would see my fat body at my highest weight and just now i am trying to get some of my friendships and family back in my life.. Just now, after 71 lbs lost, i feel the confidence of being able to show myself ... But at 244 lbs (right now) i still have a way's to go and i look in that mirror today and be damned if i see a 244 lb woman looking back at her..

i see the 315 lb woman, i obsess my problem areas and i hear allllll the negative words said to me by any and every person t hrough life.. The laughing, the pointing, the embarrassing feelings when i couldn't do something someone else could.. While i do get so damn angry that society paints a picture of what is beautiful for a woman, and it's usually something completely unachievable, i still get stuck in the negative tapes in my head and i'm not sure i will ever break out of that.. i have done a tremendous amount of self work over this year and i have gained some self esteem and some confidence and i can say, i am a beautiful woman.. But ask me what's REALLY going on in this head of mine, guaranteed i am looking in that mirror and those words aren't what is in my head as i look at myself..

my body image makes me terribly sad.. i suffer a lot in the way of making friends too, i tend to try and reach out for friendships and i feel i fail that often too, i crave actual girlfriends to laugh with and talk girl talk and all of the ways i try and make friendships, i am so super hard on myself when it doesn't happen and then i go back to all of this undeserving "well look at me" kind of stuff.. It's a vicious circle..

Thank you all for sharing, and thank you for this space once again.. i'm all teared up and boohoo'ing as i type this, and i got super emotional last night with all of this in mind too.. It's a real challenge sharing the hard stuff for me, so i gather it must be for all of you as well and the fact we can step out of ourselves and offer the support & show we know the feelings much, is such a comfort to me... This thread always feels like a huge warm hug to me...

(((((group hugs))))))
This is the stuff that makes us want to do better today for ourselves..
& coincidentally, my mother today is well overweight herself, and is one of my biggest cheerleaders now, or tries to be .. i distance her, a lot...Our relationship has always been strained, i have a lot of anger issues from my past, and things i'm not sure i can forgive.. However, she's my mother and i have allowed her in my life, but have set a lot of rules, and i distance the negativity..When she told my daughter that she had fat rolls on her tummy and that her butt was a bit big and started picking on her eating habits, i made sure i stepped up on that one.. No way! But today she is much more sensitive to how i was feeling back then and how i am feeling today.. Interesting how things change..