[Princess4u]

Ok...perhaps this is another of millions of moments of insecurity and self persecution! So forgive me if this sounds like a pity party...but somehow I think all of you have had these same parties all of your lives, so I hope you understand my weakness at this moment.
Sometime, when you are talking to someone and things just seem to be perfect, perhapt too perfect, and you begin to get that little glimmer of hope....you know the one!! Ahhh and now it comes time for the picture exchange or the verbal request for a physical description, this is usually the part I tend to start looking at something online...just to cushion the blow you knonw distraction. Ahhh and time lingers like a heavy black cloud above you and you feel that overwhelming sense of failure yet once again. Then you get the all too used.."nice pic" followed by the "oh I didnt realize it was so late, I need to get to bed!" Your fears yet once more become another reality. Failure doesnt seem to express how you feel. You want to stand up and say..."well tough shit...their loss, not mine!" And you very well may, but deep down in side...hell not even deep down just slightly under the first layer...you are agonizing. Wondering, how can people say how wonderful I am....and yet be so undesirable. Beauty isnt about size, at least thats what we tell ourselves...in all of our support groups...but you know what...it is to the rest of the fucking world. (sorry for the poo poo mouth)

So you start the process of collapsing back into yourself. Hiding even deeper than before. Determine that this time....i am not going down that path, of flirtations and mind games. Just realize the reality of it all and save yourself the agaony. You start trying to psych yourself out for a lifetime of tears and Tv dinners. Going places you dreamed of, yet no one there to share the memory with you. Actin silly and goofing off...but who will you tickle and play rough house with, no one! Finally getting used to imagining that your pillow had arms and a strong shoulder for you to cuddle up to and cry yourself to sleep everynight, for a lifetime left. Funny how those arms never seem to grow.

Thank you for listening to me babble.!!!! Just gets so much to bare sometimes, and really no one to talk to...so thank you for this outlet.