[sylvie]

i have been seriously bummed since yesterday..
And i will be honest about why i got bummed - though it's always hard to be honest, isn't it? It seems silly...

Fad diets --
i don't believe in them, because i've been a girl who has spent a lifetime trying every fad diet thats come here way, always looking for a magic solution - i know there is no magic solution. And so fad diets make me so angry, sigh...(because of MY history with them and my failures...) A friend has hopped on the fad diet bandwagon, and while i won't say the fad diet (because i don't believe in promoting something like that in any way in this thread because i know what we do here is something completely different..♥ and i love that - and i also know it's terribly hard on me to hear about fad diet successes because deep down i still want to believe in that magic solution as a girl who is a food addict, a girl with an eating disorder AND as a girl who wants to lose weight...period..) But i got seriously angry within..

Why did i get angry? i've lost 82 lbs since April of 2011.. Which IS fabulous, believe me i'm proud of that.. But in my disease, i'm a numbers girl.. i obsess the numbers, whether it's weighing myself, tracking calories, doing exercises, using my pedometer, i start subtracting the amount of calories burned from this and that and i get obsessive trying to figure it all out...And it's not healthy to do, so this is something i am trying to get control on right now and it's difficult... So what did i do yesterday? i start figuring out, okay, i have lost 11 lbs in one month (month of December and beginning of January...thats "x" amount of days, and this person has lost "x" amount of lbs in a DAY, i can't grasp it.. It worries me, AND it of course makes ME want this even though i know what i am doing is healthy for 'me'.. i know, i'm trying to gain control on a food & sugar addiction, and i know i am trying to squash my desire to binge and purge every single day.. And what made me angry, is that every single day, i am working my ass off it feels like, because i do meetings each day, and i meditate, and i exercise and exercise and focus on eating healthy, which is a chore in itself for me it feels like, and i'm researching and i'm blogging daily and by the time allll of this is done between working full time hours at work and balancing a family, and spending time with the love of my life - i'm exhausted at the end of a day that i can barely keep my eyes open and i'm crashing..

i know some of you may understand on terms of fad diets, you've probably done them yourselves through life, and what we do here is a wonderful thing in my opinion, encouraging one another to be active, to eat healthy, offering tips and suggestions of things we have tried, and ALWAYS motivating one another to do it one step at a time..

So, i really need to find a way to separate myself from fad diets - while i don't believe in them because they've been horrible for me, i find a lot of anger within me for when they're successful for others.. i know for me, after i stopped doing what i did - i would gain all my weight back and for 'me' THIS works because i am maintaining and living a healthy lifestyle now, it's a lifetime commitment, this i know.. So while THAT feels good, why am i so ... jealous? or upset ? over people and the diets they choose that gives them such remarkable success..

i will admit, i choose to remain angry within.. Because for me, the anger over fad diets keeps me on track, and not wanting to do what they do, because i know it isn't successful for me to try those things - but what bothers me is how bummed out i got over my own progress.. 82 lbs lost so far is nothing to sneeze at, right? And i took my measurements yesterday, i lost an inch on my waist, an inch on my hips, an inch on my arms AND half an inch on my legs..i didn't even get happy about that, instead i was down on myself because i found myself wanting more, i think i got trapped in that envy of quick weight lost with someone else - and became seriously hard on myself..

But, in saying all of this, i had a successful day despite the being hard on myself, i still ate well, i still exercised... And - actually because of all of this i pushed myself so hard exercisewise, i almost hurt myself, which wasnt good either.. i went for an hour long walk around the lake, but that walk normally takes me almost an hour and a half, and then got home, ate lunch and popped in my DVD and did an hour of a power workout with Jillian, doing moves i can barely do usually and over pushing myself, at one point i was skipping and my ankle started hurting everytime i jumped on it and then on top of that i pulled a muscle in my back, which hurts.. it doesn't prevent me from exercising but everytime i move certain ways i feel that tug of pain and wouldnt take much for me to pull my back out i'm sure.. Did i stop? hell no, i got jogging on the treadmill for as long as i could stand and when that wasn't enough, i would get off, rest and then jump on again.. did this a few times and then some odd exercises in between.. When i realized what i was doing, again i got hard on myself, why are you doing this to yourself? Just seemed like a no win day for me, know what i mean?

Anyway, such a book, i'm so sorry.. Sometimes i just need to vent the frustration within, and i don't usually vent my frustration with anything, i try to keep it positive, always...because positive helps me, but this time i needed to release it in hopes that you all might understand and re-motivate me the healthy way , i need to lose the obsessive thoughts here and get back on the bandwagon - because w hat i am doing here , losing a couple lbs here and there, by living the healthy lifestyle coupled with HEALTHY amounts of exercise, is the right way to do this, just like you all...

Thanks again for this space, this healthy, supportive & motivating space, this post proves how much i need this space..

~~~
And also, Candace ((((huggggz))))
So sorry for the hateful email you received, i'm still blown away by that, but i can relate with some hateful things said to me as well but by family and who i thought were friends, nothing to that extent.. Shake it off, because you are doing SUCH a wonderful thing for yourself, and your improving health and growing self esteem proves that, each and every day!!! Keep doing what you do, and also i got my blog set up finally, and have added you on it, i will message you with my link soon.. ♥ Keep inspiring girl - you got this!!

Happy Hump Day Healthies! xox
So sorry for my vent, seriously.. ♥