Becoming "Me."
After YEARS of thought, counseling and struggling to fight against my own identity, I guess it's time for me to "come out." I am, and have always been, male. I look fairly male, I certainly act and think male and often sound male, even without hormone supplementation. I have never felt anything but male and never felt the need to identify as anything else, although for convenience sake, i've used butch. Easier however, doesn't make life better and i've also found that my relationships have always come to some sort of impasse about my male-ness. Nothing bad, mind you, but nothing that would allow me to live as a complete human being, physically or psychologically.
I now need to take the steps necessary to make this dream a reality, or this reality tangible. I work, full time, for myself but insurance rates went sky high in the past couple of months, and I could not live and pay the excessive cost. Since then, i've been looking for employment that includes benefits, at least part time. Months of looking, interviewing and sending off hundreds of resumes has made the struggle even more difficult. I may have to look outside of this area to find work, and admittedly, I do live in an area that has a lousy unemployment rate (close to 10%). I'm already researching doctors both in this area and others, for the initial counseling necessary and the subsequent T injections. I'm not afraid at all. In fact, i'm excited to finally be ME. I know friends (IRL) already have a great deal of hesitation about anyone who transitions. When i've broached the subject, they react in recoil, with jokes that thinly veil underlying discomfort or outright repulsion. Not my problem and if they can't handle my truth, someone else will.
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