[Onyxena]

My Penguin:

Last night, and into this morning, I sat at Perkins with a good friend doing a lot of soul searching. We talking about many things, but the predominate topic of conversation was you and I. We talked about everything. The trip to see me in July, the less than successful trip in October, and the last month of our relationship. Some tough questions were asked of me, and I really had to look deep down for the answers. I want to share with you what I have observed and what was discovered. First and foremost, we both agree that there is something worth fighting.

First is that we have both changed. I didn't really see it before, but after you lost your job and I con was over, things changed. We became distant from one another. Each person withdrew. It caused me to worry about sharing information with you because I didn't want to add stress to your life. But still we were doing good. It wasn't until school started in September that the world began to fall apart. We didn't talk. You were busy with school and I didn't want to interrupt that even though my life was completely falling apart. I had no control on my eating disorder and I was just holding on by a thread. We would go weeks without a single word from you. I realize that you are busy but I was your girlfriend and that wasn't okay. I also realize I should have just screamed for your attention because you had a right to know how sever things were. The trip in October happened. First and foremost, Melody should not have been there. It did not allow for a healthy environment for our relationship. I understand she is your friend, but she is also your ex. That was really setting me up to fail. It was my first visit to see you and it should have been just us, relieving the already insurmountable amount of pressure. I should have let you inside, even though it hurts. I needed you to see the broken parts, because it could have brought us closer not torn us apart. As the trip progressed, you didn't talk to me you grew colder and more withdrawn. I cannot read minds and I am not perfect. If I make a mistake, I need to know. You turned cold.

We spent that time apart, I was in pain every day, but I survived. You still weren't yourself. We got back together and I saw about a week of normalcy from you, then it was back to being callous. I understand I made a shitty comparison, but how am I suppose to know if things bother you if you don't tell me. I cannot read minds, and I promise you I am so far from perfect. I make mistakes. I can be arrogant and argumentative. I can be full of myself as well as have the shittiest self-esteem.

I always said I missed you and I figured out why I did. You haven't been yourself. Where did you go Penguin? Why did you go away? You aren't cold and callous. You don't dump people though a text message. You promised you wouldn't give up on us and would be open and honest, meeting me half way. Yet, here we are. What happened? Please come back Penguin. I haven't seen you since September. I want you back love. You are the other half of my soul. I know things are rough, but come back baby. We both have made mistakes. I was too afraid to tell you when things were happening or when you were hurting me. I was afraid you would dump me because I called you on stuff, but I realize that is ridiculous, because we are both able to call each other on shit. Come back to me Penguin. I miss the tender, caring, nurturing, loving, romantic, beautiful soul that I know is still there, it just hasn't shown itself to me in a long time.

Bleeding Love just came on my MP3 player. Why don't we send songs anymore? Bleeding Love is us. Remember the Lyrics?

"Bleeding Love"

Closed off from love
I didn't need the pain
Once or twice was enough
And it was all in vain
Time starts to pass
Before you know it you're frozen

But something happened
For the very first time with you
My heart melts into the ground
Found something true
And everyone's looking round
Thinking I'm going crazy

But I don't care what they say
I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open

Trying hard not to hear
But they talk so loud
Their piercing sounds fill my ears
Try to fill me with doubt
Yet I know that the goal
Is to keep me from falling

But nothing's greater than the rush that comes with your embrace
And in this world of loneliness
I see your face
Yet everyone around me
Thinks that I'm going crazy, maybe, maybe

But I don't care what they say
I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open

And it's draining all of me
Oh they find it hard to believe
I'll be wearing these scars
For everyone to see

I don't care what they say
I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open and I
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love


Come back to this Penguin. You and I are soul mates. You taught me to believe that. You taught me that miracles and fairytales were possible. Come back to me Penguin. Your sunshine//Sheep misses you. Please come back.

I love you with all my heart and I will continue to fight for us.

Love you forever and always,
Me