Hello all,
It's been awhile since I've posted about mom, but not much has changed. We're in a holding pattern of sorts. She is still doing the (supposedly reduced) chemo, but is finding that it makes her just as sick. The oncologist and surgeon disagree about whether she should continue it or not...and she is leaning towards not.
Basically, she feels fine when not on chemo...very sick when on it...and no one knows whether chemo actually will slow the advance of these punctate lesions or not. In a nutshell...her choice...does she want to feel nauseous and exhausted and take a potential chance at increased time....or feel like herself and take a potential chance at reduced time.
All she knows for sure right now is that she really wants to be home on her own place. I understand that, as it's always been her closest connection and the most important thing in her life. With the mild winter, weather isn't the issue we had anticipated...and she's eating and drinking well, not to mention infinitely stronger and healthier than when she arrived in early December. So....she's going home, a week from Saturday. She'll still have visiting nurse and home health aid a couple times a week, and her best friend will by my spy. We have agreed that if she starts to deteriorate at all, or by next winter at least, she will come back here to Florida again.
Honestly, I'm relieved. The stress of being a caregiver is enormous, exhausting and difficult...even if the previous relationship is good. When the previous relationship is rocky, and the recipient of care is a narcissist....well....suffice to say that I can use the break myself.
I also struggle....so many people want to tell me that I'm a good daughter, or so compassionate and giving, or so brave....and I'm not. Believe me....I'm here to tell you. I am doing this because I must....because I have to live with myself and look in the mirror each day for the rest of my life. I joke about "damn ethics"....but that's what it is....the recognition that the right thing needs to be done even if I hate doing it, even if it exhausts me, and even as I grit my teeth and bite my tongue.
I'm never had cancer myself, but I can only imagine that it is the same for many cancer patients....who get through it one step at a time simply because they must.
Hugs,
Jo