Quote:
Originally Posted by PinkieLee
I keep telling myself that when things get better, I will get better. But right now, it's more like a bunch of fake ass affirmations that are spitting out of my mouth.
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But is it really a bunch of fake ass affiimations or are you just being hard on yourself?
We are so HARD on ourselves... That need to be perfect... To follow the plan in our heads to the letter and if we don't or can't then what does that say about us...
Did the word *Loser* pop into your head? Weak? Lazy?
What does the tape in your head tell you? Is it you talking to you or is it the tape of other peoples voices talking?
My tape says... *You keep going... no matter what..... keep putting one foot in front of another*
There is no other option but to pull yourself up by your own bootstrings and keep going.....
No matter how hurt/damaged/crippled you are... keep on going....
My tape lies...
I'm sorry for the derail, this isn't about weight loss per say... But Pinkies post made me think about the last three months of my life...
Dec 1,2011 I got fired from a job that I thougth was going to be the last job I ever had...
I became so obsessed with not making a mistake, that I made a mistake and then made an even bigger one trying to fix the first one...
By trying so hard to be perfect, there was no way to be anything but imperfect.
Dec 3,2011 My brother was murdered...
I broke.... My boots didn't have any strings any more....
I tried... but I couldn't get through an interview without talking about my brother and tearing up... Ya... WINNING....
I was in a black hole and I just wanted to pull it in after me... but I couldn't because you have to fight... ALWAYS....
I didn't start to get better until I stopped fighting so hard....
until I started being a bit more gentle with myself...
I started to bribe myself instead of beat myself up...
Instead of calling myself lazy because I slept all day and didn't do anything but put on a robe and play castleville,
I told myself...
you can have a nap if you leave the house...
Doesn't matter if it's a 12 hour nap as long as you leave the house...
you can't sleep until you do it...
I stopped trying to find full time perm work...
I signed up with a tem agency and did housekeeping and banquet service...
After a couple of weeks of bribing myself to go to work with a NAP!!!!!!
(You don't go to work, you can't sleep the day away, you go to work, work five hours and you can sleep as long as you want....)
I accepted a short term (four months) full time positon doing data entry...
No real thought required... just key in the name and size.
Last week I only took two naps... This week one....
Last week I started walking on my lunch half hour instead of sitting in my car reading...
While I was walking I saw two things that made me wish for my camera...
Today I repaired a lamp and started a painting...
I haven't really painted in five years...
I still have bad days... keying away with tears streaming down my face... hiding away in a book or a game so I don't have to deal... walking around with headphones on so I don't have to interact with anyone... I think the worst part right now is seeing a job that I would like to have/go after, but knowing that I'm not capable of rejoining the dog eat dog world...At THIS time.... (I think I need to be capable of cleaning the house before I can hold down the kind of jobs that interest me...)
But... I feel better..... this being gentle with myself, being softer with my percieved flaws...
It seems to be pushing me farther than beating myself up for not being *STRONG* enough to just do what I know needs to be done...
It feels like I'm winning by giving in....