Quote:
Originally Posted by Random
But is it really a bunch of fake ass affiimations or are you just being hard on yourself?
We are so HARD on ourselves... That need to be perfect... To follow the plan in our heads to the letter and if we don't or can't then what does that say about us...
Did the word *Loser* pop into your head? Weak? Lazy?
What does the tape in your head tell you? Is it you talking to you or is it the tape of other peoples voices talking?
My tape says... *You keep going... no matter what..... keep putting one foot in front of another*
There is no other option but to pull yourself up by your own bootstrings and keep going.....
No matter how hurt/damaged/crippled you are... keep on going....
My tape lies...
I'm sorry for the derail, this isn't about weight loss per say... But Pinkies post made me think about the last three months of my life...
Dec 1,2011 I got fired from a job that I thougth was going to be the last job I ever had...
I became so obsessed with not making a mistake, that I made a mistake and then made an even bigger one trying to fix the first one...
By trying so hard to be perfect, there was no way to be anything but imperfect.
Dec 3,2011 My brother was murdered...
I broke.... My boots didn't have any strings any more....
I tried... but I couldn't get through an interview without talking about my brother and tearing up... Ya... WINNING....
I was in a black hole and I just wanted to pull it in after me... but I couldn't because you have to fight... ALWAYS....
I didn't start to get better until I stopped fighting so hard....
until I started being a bit more gentle with myself...
I started to bribe myself instead of beat myself up...
Instead of calling myself lazy because I slept all day and didn't do anything but put on a robe and play castleville,
I told myself...
you can have a nap if you leave the house...
Doesn't matter if it's a 12 hour nap as long as you leave the house...
you can't sleep until you do it...
I stopped trying to find full time perm work...
I signed up with a tem agency and did housekeeping and banquet service...
After a couple of weeks of bribing myself to go to work with a NAP!!!!!!
(You don't go to work, you can't sleep the day away, you go to work, work five hours and you can sleep as long as you want....)
I accepted a short term (four months) full time positon doing data entry...
No real thought required... just key in the name and size.
Last week I only took two naps... This week one....
Last week I started walking on my lunch half hour instead of sitting in my car reading...
While I was walking I saw two things that made me wish for my camera...
Today I repaired a lamp and started a painting...
I haven't really painted in five years...
I still have bad days... keying away with tears streaming down my face... hiding away in a book or a game so I don't have to deal... walking around with headphones on so I don't have to interact with anyone... I think the worst part right now is seeing a job that I would like to have/go after, but knowing that I'm not capable of rejoining the dog eat dog world...At THIS time.... (I think I need to be capable of cleaning the house before I can hold down the kind of jobs that interest me...)
But... I feel better..... this being gentle with myself, being softer with my percieved flaws...
It seems to be pushing me farther than beating myself up for not being *STRONG* enough to just do what I know needs to be done...
It feels like I'm winning by giving in....
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Random,
Giving you a hug is not nearly enough for your willingness to be so open and honest to the bone here but I am giving you a tight one anyway.
I can't even imagine the pain of the loss of your brother. My condolences, truly.
The loss of your brother, along with the loss of your job at the same time, is hard for me to fathom. I think you are absolutely amazing to have dealt with all of it.
Your sharing your tape loop is so appreciated and yes, it does belong in this thread! I believe that each of us that struggle with our weight have our own individual loops. As I shared in my last post, I have my own. One recurring word in my own endless loop is always indeed "loser" and not in the positive, losing weight, sort of meaning.
Your own behavior modification program is also an excellent idea! Allowing ourselves a break or giving ourselves permission about anything is very difficult but I also believe that until we stop berating, punishing and critizing each and everything we do, we won't succeed at the very thing we want to accomplish so badly; regardless if it is losing weight or just getting out of bed each day when dealing with overwhelming loss.
Of course, for many of us-myself included-that ability to turn off the tape, and to reprogram it with a new and kinder message; is the most difficult of all to accomplish! I do work on turning off that old tape, probably 50 times a day lately but do succeed at least half the time. I will focus on the glass half-full, rather than half-empty! These days, for me, half of the time is the very best that I can do.
I am still dealing with cravings but it is getting better. Talk about tapes! If I start to thing about something I want to eat (meaning anything with sugar) it is almost impossible to stop thinking about for me. I have resisted for at least 5-6 days, maybe a week ( lost track of time/days) and it is getting better.
Thanks for sharing Random and to everyone that comes into this thread to be so open and honest to help not only themselves but to help each other.