[aishah]

the times in my life i've been hurt the most, it's been by people i cared about - like when my parents died and my family abandoned me and my sister and stole a lot of our stuff, for example. i wanted my family to understand how much they hurt me by abandoning me and not caring whether i lived or died, especially when it hurt so much since i still cared a lot about them. sometimes i'm still angry over that, even though i've worked really hard to rebuild our relationships (at least to the point that they are willing, it's hard when someone won't return letters or phone calls). when my dad was still alive, there were times that i struggled with this too - wanting him to understand how much he hurt me as a child. with a lot of time and therapy i've figured out that that's mostly a fruitless effort. the people who hurt me are not capable of understanding how or why what they did was wrong, and nothing i can do to them will ever come close to making them feel the way they made me feel. it's easier and maybe healthier to just put it behind me as much as i can and reach out to rebuild relationships to the point that i'm able. or to just detach.

oddly enough, things that were very traumatic in other ways for me - like experiencing sexual violence - have never really sparked revenge fantasies or a desire to hurt someone. my pain around more acute trauma like that tends to be focused inward rather than outward.

my partner has an issue with becoming angry and vengeful (one he's actively been dealing with and working on resolving). he's used to fighting a lot and doing it completely below the belt, even in romantic relationships, which is something i pretty much never do. i actually very rarely get angry (other than the situation with my family, and being angry at injustices, i can't think of that many times where i've been angry). i don't really tend to fight that much with friends, family members, or partners, which is something he's commented on. when it comes to a problem i would rather talk about it and figure out what is wrong and fix it than hurt someone over it. so other than a few isolated incidents i haven't had the urge for revenge that much.

i wouldn't say i'm a very utilitarian person generally speaking but that's the attitude i have towards anger and revenge. i'd much rather figure out how to deal with something constructively or try to move past it than get pissed off or vengeful about it.