Hello all
Mom got a stomach tube put in yesterday. The plus side is that it will replace the PIC line that has given her such problems and make it easier to clear the recurring blockages that she's getting...the down side is, well, that it's a stomach tube....so one more port, one more (minor) surgery, and one more thing that is depressing the hell out of her.
They delayed the new chemo (for the liver lesions) until they deal with this complication...and no word yet on when that starts again, or if. She is feeling like the whole thing is hopeless, and all she wants is to go home again and get her affairs in order, ship things to my sister and me, sell her house....and then see what's next.
I keep reiterating my open invitation to come here for whatever period of time she wants, up to and including the end, but she has very mixed feelings. Honestly, she is more attached to her house and her land than she is to family....and would rather be there as long as she can even if it ends up shortening her life.
Her friends are struggling with this as much as I am....but I find myself getting so impatient and frustrated. One called me yesterday at 3 p.m. and talked for an hour and a half....all upset and sad and crying. She was offering help, but also obviously feeling the need to talk about and deal with her own sadness. Part of me understood and was there with her, and part of me was angry that she would do that in the middle of my work day, when I needed to be working, and then upset me so much in the process that I never did get back to it....and had to regroup myself so I could go be there for my son. Before I could even manage that, another called to basically do the same thing.
Honestly, part of me wants to just lash out and scream....I am struggling too. Not only with my mother, but with my finances (now with 2 mortgages and 1 income and all the credit obligations I ran up since we moved), with the house (where I have had to be a plumber myself twice....and now have to find about $200 to have the washing machine fixed), just to keep up with the housework, the animal care, the meals....all of the stuff needed in a house this large, which I never would have bought for just myself and my son. Diabetic fatigue hits about 4 p.m. and I feel like I could sleep for a year....but instead I have to keep going, and going, and going.
Yes, I know....I'm fortunate that I have a good job with people who are totally supportive of what I'm going through. I'm fortunate that I have a wonderful, happy, healthy, undamaged son....far more than one of my old friends can now say. I'm fortunate that my own health is stable because of my efforts (and sheer luck, I'm sure). I'm fortunate that I have people in my life who love me and care about me.
It could be worse. And I know I have some help on the way. But fuck....couldn't they work this out with each other up there? Do they all have to dump their stuff in my lap too?