[Just_G]

One of the biggest things I struggle with is the fact that people keep telling me to love myself, love who I am, I am okay just the way I am, be myself.....etc....blah! I love my personality, humor, integrity, work ethic.....you name it...I love a LOT of things about me, but to be really honest, I do not like the physical me one bit!

I know that some of you will know what I am trying to say when I say that it is so fucking hard to put in to words what a struggle it is internally...(let alone externally; the way the whole world sees you) to have to deal with insides matching outsides. I see myself one way in the mirror...which I try to avoid as much as possible....and when I see myself in pictures, I cringe. I do not like the way I look female...body wise. This has been so fucking hard as I have been out having to buy a whole new wardrobe for my new job in a very conservative company. Finding pants in my size with my inseam has been HORRIBLE! Thank God my mom sews and can hem all of them for me!

This clothes shopping experience has been so fucking disasterous.

Cheech and I were talking the other day about binding and how it all bunches up in the middle, making a bump in the middle of our chest, and how uncomfortable we always feel in our own bodies. I think if the insurance companies would help pay for some of the body modification things we want to have done, they wouldn't have to pay so much for anti-depressants because of people's body issues!

I am not depressed, just really fucking frustrated. I do not like my body one bit, but have learned to adapt and be content.

People can tell me til they are blue in the face how they see me or how to feel because they like the way I look, but it doesn't help. I do not like the way I look. (and this is not even a weight issue...this is just all "female body" stuff....blech!)

Sometimes when I am shopping, I feel like I am a kid shopping in the grown up department because my arms and legs are so short to be fitting in men's clothes...it sucks ass man!