[Parker]

I always hated my name when I was growing up: Deborah.

There isnt anything wrong with the name itself, it just always felt wrong on me somehow - like it belonged to someone else and I as just borrowing it or something.

Debbie.
Little Debbie.
Debbie Does Dallas.

God, how I hated being called Debbie.

Even when I got older and I would introduce myself as Deborah, people would look right at me, shake my hand, and say, "nice to meet you, Debbie."

Ugh.

Later still, as I became more comfortable in my butch skin and I realized it was ok to be masculine and woman at the same time, the name became almost unbearable.

Picture this masculine butch woman sitting in a waiting room waiting to be called in to see a doctor or for an interview and someone comes out with a clip board. They read off my name, "Deborah" and then stand there, waiting. I stand up and walk toward them and get to watch them as they continually look down at their clip board and then back up at me - clearly not making the connection that (a) I am not a man and (b) my name is, in fact, Deborah.

It especially sucked when it was for a job interview because I had a great resume and a female name, but I was a butch dyke and we can always tell what other people are thinking when they get "that look" as they look us up and down - they either arent fast or good enough at hiding said "look."

This wasnt why I changed my name, of course, just an illustration of part of why I disliked the name so much.

It took me years to decide it was "ok" to change my name even though I wasnt and never wanted to transition into a man - for a long time, in my mind, I felt like it just wasnt allowed; that you are given this name when you are born and you are stuck with it for life.

Eventually, in my mid-30s, I talked myself into it and decided it was ok - I was giving myself permission .... but then I had to decide on a name because, kinda like a tattoo, this name would be permanent, so I'd better dan well like it!

I wanted something more gender neutral - something either women or men could use and I had always liked the name Parker - it just felt right. Then when I found out its meaning (park keeper), it felt even more "right" because I have always had an affinity for trees.

Great - so I had a first name ... but should I then change my last name?

The answer came from deep inside with a decision I made a long time ago when I thought I was straight and that I would marry a man when I grew up: that I would not take my husband's name because that felt like ownership to me.

Then it hit me: I already had a man's name - my father's last name. So should I take my mom's maiden name? Crap - that's a man's name as well, her father's.

It seemed that no matter which way I turned to look at the names in my family tree, they were all names which belonged to men - so I decided to pick my own last name.

Along with trees, I have always had an affinity for wolves as well - this is very hard to explain, but since most people have an affinity for one animal or another, I probably dont have to try.

I struggled for a short time with using that name - I didnt want anyone to think I was trying to appropriate anything/one/culture - but I really loved how the two names came together and just sort of rolled off of the tongue ... after standing in front of a mirror and saying both names together, it sounded right - I had a name that "fit."

The actual changing was easy - about $100, a filled out form, and a couple of hours in the local courthouse and I was "official."

Interestingly, people seem to like the name - some people love it so much, they say my full name every time they see me. People from my past had a hard time of it at first - especially my mom because it hurt her feelings to have one of her children change the name she gave them - but after a while, they see how good of a fit it is.

I do have a few problems now and then because Parker is a very popular surname so a lot of people think my name is Wolf Parker. Also, even though the name Parker can and is used for both women and men, I think adding the name Wolf on the end may have added a masculinizing (did I just make that word up?) effect for some people because when dealing with written correspondence, I get "Mr." about 40% of the time

But all-in-all, I think I made a good decision - and the right one for me. When I talk to people who have only known me with this name and tell them what my name used to be, they look at me funny and say, "that doesnt sound like you" or "that just doesnt fit you" and I have to laugh to myself because it took me so damn long to figure that out.