[sylvie]

Damn emotional rollercoasters..

Right now, i am struggling with showing my emotions and feelings..
This week has been difficult.. In my recovery work, i shared with a group one thing about my feelings on something, and i hit send..
i couldn't get it back, people could read it, and panic set in...

i feel so overwhelmed, my character defects are so highly protected by me, i hold them close still.. i am still working on Step One in the workbook, and sometimes i feel like i am doing so good and then something happens to remind me that i still have so much to work through..

i know this isn't easy stuff..i also know it can't be rushed and i have to take it at the pace i need. (which is a very, slow.. long.. pace, apparently) or feels like it..

Guilt, i am loaded with so much guilt, about so many things.. Some of it healthy, most of it unhealthy things to feel guilt about.. So, that is why i panic when it comes to sharing my feelings.. a/i worry about what others think of me and what i say far too much and b/i have stuffed it all in since childhood and internalize , internalize, internalize..

So breaking through this well protected layer of myself has been challenging, and will continue to be challenging.. i come in here and share bits & pieces of my journey and recovery even though it feels so completely embarrassing because i know i learn from doing so as much as others might too. It keeps me accountable, and keeps me moving forward when i acknowledge the imperfections... Much as i try and try and try to do things perfectly, i am finally starting to accept i will not do things perfectly because i am NOT perfect.. And it's okay to have flaws..

So, this week is about staying positive, keeping myself afloat despite emotions with my grandmothers and family stuff, and it's about self-care.. Taking care of me, because i deserve this recovery.. It's about working through this hard stuff, remembering i am NOT alone, and keeping it real.. So, it's time to get to sharing the hard stuff, here & on my blog.. Despite my feeling so ashamed over my past choices, and patting myself on the back for the hard work i have done this passed year already..

Please know, that there are always people who care around, i am one of those people... When there are hard days, or hard weeks, shoot me a message.. i know most don't & won't post in this thread (and that's soooo very okay!) because i am overjoyed that i'm trusted enough to be there for you, in whatever way you need that.. And thank you all, for being willing to be there for me too..

i know my journey of recovery is really only just beginning..
It's scary, it's emotional - but so needed..
*takes a deep breath*
i will be sharing the good, the bad & the ugly from now on..
saying this, now makes me accountable..

Reminder to myself in reading back: Take a deep breath, you've got this.