[dancer611]

Whoa, whoa. I didn't "batter" her, and I don't own any weapons whatsoever, nor would I threaten anyone with one...not sure if you're implying that I did, but...one of the reasons this has been hard is that, while I did slap her the one time, and felt/feel extreme guilt for it, it was when she was drunk, I was already terrified, she had pulled a knife on me and choked me previusly, and someone twice my size was bearing down on me, screaming in my face, and refusing to leave my apartment when I was begging them to out of fear. So, the question for me has been where the line is drawn. People/domestic violence websites will say the size, gender ID, etc., doesn't factor in, and on an emotional/moral level I agree, but physically it is simply untrue. She held me down and barely let me breathe for 15 minutes. She put all of her weight on me and almost crushed me. I could never do that to her, no matter how angry I was; and no matter how angry I was, or what she did to me, I COULD NOT defend myself. Slapping her did not hurt her. She did not even flinch. When she was chasing me down the street, I really had nowhere to go. She had taken my phone, we had been in her car, and she had pulled over where no one could see us and there were no houses. She was bearing down on me, using her size to intimidate me, and SHE HAD JUST PULLED A KNIFE ON ME AND THREATENED TO MURDER ME. So I tried to fight back by hitting her, but still she grabbed me, and threw me down by my hair, then got in my face, pinned me down and continued to scream while I cried. So. I'm not saying that I made the correct decisions, or that everything I did was right. It clearly wasn't. But I was emotionally beholden to her at this point, and felt physically helpless. Even if I had TRIED, this could not have been "mutual abuse." She choked me on several occasions, poured a drink in my face once and pinned me down or threw me down several times, as well as brandishing the weapon. I slapped her once when I was already scared and trapped in an apartment (she, once again, took my phone so I couldn't call the police). So, even though I feel guilt, because violence is not the answer, a lot of these posts have focused on my one slap...and I feel that I have to be fair to myself, that this was a pattern for her (in past relationships as well), and not for me. She tried to make me feel that, because I attempted (always failing) to defend myself, I was "abusing" her too. And that's just not what happened.