Butch Femme Planet - View Single Post - Abuse in butch-femme relationships

WickedFemme · 03-31-2012, 11:51 AM

I'm going to try to keep this short and to the point... This is my story... I spent most of my adult life in unhealthy relationships until I sought therapy for myself. I used to play the victim role and that kept me in denial which allowed me to not take responsibility for my part in relationships. For me, being in my 20's and even my 30's were extremely painful. I didn't realize that I was looking to other people to fill an unmet need(s) within myself. I kept having experiences where I felt completely disappointed and kept blaming the other person. In the case of abuse, however, I know that I am not to blame for that regardless of my behaviors - no one has the power to make anyone do anything or feel anything. I had to own my own stuff and not take responsibility for someone else's stuff. It was difficult for me to come to the realization that I was unhealthy and extremely codependent. My core issues began in my childhood and kept playing out in my adult relationships. All I can say is that I am sooooo grateful that I got help and am able to function in a healthy manner in my adult relationships. I also know that I don't have to gossip or spread rumors about anyone anymore because that is 'toxic' and unfair regardless... especially if the other person isn't there to defend him/herself. Growing up is painful and i understand now that my past relationships are not the other persons' fault... I had a part as well. I harbored resentments and anger until I finally let that stuff go.

There have been some wonderful suggestions here and 'yes', running into another relationship is NOT the answer. The answer is doing the work on self and being a whole person... only then are you going to attract healthy whole people around you.

To the OP - I really understand and highly recommend you seek counseling for yourself... its really the only way. You won't feel better overnight because it took much longer than that to get to where you are now in your life, but it will get better. Fixing on relationships to feel whole or to avoid feelings of loneliness is not the answer... it's just a temporary fix and once the feelings of euphoria (high) is gone, you are left with yourself once again. Relationships can be like a drug and there are 12-step groups that can help like Codependents anonymous for example. I wish you well and hope that your 'path' is healthier than mine was. You show great courage putting yourself out there and i view that as a sign that you honestly do want help. Only an unbiased professionally trained person is going to be able to help you help yourself.

03-31-2012, 11:51 AM	#51
WickedFemme Member How Do You Identify?: Femme Preferred Pronoun?: She Relationship Status: Very Happily Married to Bobbi46 Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: where I want to be Posts: 313 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 355 Thanked 994 Times in 221 Posts Rep Power: 7014692	I'm going to try to keep this short and to the point... This is my story... I spent most of my adult life in unhealthy relationships until I sought therapy for myself. I used to play the victim role and that kept me in denial which allowed me to not take responsibility for my part in relationships. For me, being in my 20's and even my 30's were extremely painful. I didn't realize that I was looking to other people to fill an unmet need(s) within myself. I kept having experiences where I felt completely disappointed and kept blaming the other person. In the case of abuse, however, I know that I am not to blame for that regardless of my behaviors - no one has the power to make anyone do anything or feel anything. I had to own my own stuff and not take responsibility for someone else's stuff. It was difficult for me to come to the realization that I was unhealthy and extremely codependent. My core issues began in my childhood and kept playing out in my adult relationships. All I can say is that I am sooooo grateful that I got help and am able to function in a healthy manner in my adult relationships. I also know that I don't have to gossip or spread rumors about anyone anymore because that is 'toxic' and unfair regardless... especially if the other person isn't there to defend him/herself. Growing up is painful and i understand now that my past relationships are not the other persons' fault... I had a part as well. I harbored resentments and anger until I finally let that stuff go. There have been some wonderful suggestions here and 'yes', running into another relationship is NOT the answer. The answer is doing the work on self and being a whole person... only then are you going to attract healthy whole people around you. To the OP - I really understand and highly recommend you seek counseling for yourself... its really the only way. You won't feel better overnight because it took much longer than that to get to where you are now in your life, but it will get better. Fixing on relationships to feel whole or to avoid feelings of loneliness is not the answer... it's just a temporary fix and once the feelings of euphoria (high) is gone, you are left with yourself once again. Relationships can be like a drug and there are 12-step groups that can help like Codependents anonymous for example. I wish you well and hope that your 'path' is healthier than mine was. You show great courage putting yourself out there and i view that as a sign that you honestly do want help. Only an unbiased professionally trained person is going to be able to help you help yourself.