I get starting the different threads, sometimes when my mind is spun out I grasp at straws too. I want to engage my mind in something fun like flirting
. Yes therapy is a way better idea, but I get it.
And it is exceedingly difficult, when someone tells you they are sorry, to turn your back when you love someone. They say they don't remember, or you triggered them, or they were drunk.....it won't ever happen again. But bottom line it did happen and it can happen again.
I don't know u Dancer or how you came up, but if you grew up being abused as I was, someone abusive and angry seems familiar...but it is a cycle that needs to be broken for your own mental and physical safety.
Take care of yourself. Do things for you. Stay busy.