I'll get on with my other point here.
Since the phrase "freak flag" is in the topic title and was also just posted by someone:
When I was first hurt, NO ONE knew how to take
me, to take me
seriously that I had indeed BEEN HURT (like when I came back home after much treatment in N.Y.C., where I lived at the time - to where I had originally been from).
Everyone KNEW me growing up as this very STRONG personality. Very capable. Not one to be messed with, actually. Now "clearly" I was NOT MYSELF for a good while after the accident. No one helped. And I know I scared them actually, as I wasn't the person
they knew and grew up with - for a good long while. Ironically
, one of my jobs had BEEN to work with victims of head injury, so I instinctively knew what was happening - and how folks back off and ALL!
Plus, I repeated and repeated my trauma incident, for I felt I was NOT being heard - and I could not believe I had been "assaulted" the way in which I was at the time of the accident. (Abuse victims will know what I mean by that.) I felt that no one cared. I was hurt, pissed, all of that... but, mostly felt totally "abandoned" - but, not in the "traditional" sense of the word or meaning (?)
They DID care, just didn't know how to deal... with ME.
As I got better, I talked to many about this - friends and family. I confronted some as well, who I considered close friends, and told them "how hurt I had been". Of course, they explained this all to me. I HAD ALWAYS BEEN THE STRONG ONE, THEY WERE SCARED AND CONFUSED.
NOW, as time has gone by... it's the "freak, who's NOT the same person" concept/judgment concern that is starting to bother me. Because I was honest at one time, and put it all out there. But, what if I had NOT recovered? The judgment there in these kinds of instances, can be so painful!
Most here in my area know of my past field of work. I am well respected for it. I am also like a magnet for folks to trust me and tell me anything that is going on - in a non-progressive town where folks do NOT open up and share easily. And I hold this
dear to my heart and am very discreet - especially in this small town where everyone knows everyone. I am very honored one could easily say.
However, I still canNOT ask for help. I am locked into the "helping others only" concept. (NOT just for/from my years of work, but that is just not what my personality is like!) If I DO happen to ask for help though (which IS a lesson for me too, I believe) - on occasion, I feel terrible and that I "owe" folks something then, or more so, have "bothered or troubled them". (Now I have never felt that, in "helping folks"... they owe ME!) So, this is a huge problem.
It bothers me now as I get older, to think that folks judge someone... who "seemingly" has "stopped growth": BASED ON THE PERCEPTION THAT WE ARE ONLY
CONSTRUCTIVE BY OUR PRESENT WORK. PLUS, and, if we were injured and/or our life was altered... and when/where I finally "wear" down once in awhile AND ask for help - again folks seem to NOT know me and are confused.
I just want to be kinda "normal". Whatever the hell that means! I know I am very different anyway though, injury or NOT! And I have been told that repeatedly throughout my life.
I'm fine being accepted as a queer here. In fact, if anyone tried to hurt me (from the outside), there would be HELL to pay for that person. We are a tight community that way. (Same thing that allows me to tell/confront/addess folks of ANY "ISM" and they "listen". There, is
another GIFT of me coming back to this area. I realize my opportunities.)
I wonder what other folks think about this and if they might be able to identify with any of it. (See, now I am MISSING that folks thought of me ONLY as the "strong one".
)
Catch 22, eh?
LOL!
ME
*Hope this made any sense!
ANY feedback welcome...
**And this is very vulnerable sharing. Thanks again, SF!