i've been getting back into blogging and i posted
this on a group blog recently. i have a couple of other blog posts for group blogs due in the next week.
i love blogging but i haven't done it in a few years, and even when i did do it, it was somewhat sporadic. when i blog it feels contrived to me sometimes. or...i don't know how to explain it. i've gotten out of the habit of writing in general and i am trying to get back into it. i just...have those years (decades?) where i hate everything i write.
it's funny because when posting on boards or even talking with people and writing letters i can be pretty wordy in a way that feels authentic to me. but sometimes when i turn that into a blog post or an article it ends up feeling less authentic to me. i don't recognize myself in it quite as much, or i don't like the tone i write in, but i don't know how to change that. i think it's connected to my dissociation issues - i have a hard time recognizing myself physically and i have a lot of other physical/emotional dissociation problems. they've gotten better over the last few years - i don't have long periods where i dissociate and it doesn't interfere with my day-to-day life as much - but it's definitely still there. recognizing myself in the things i've created is sometimes impossible, too.
this space feels pretty safe to me. i'm not sure what else i want to put here. there are some things i'm not super comfortable putting here because it's in the public forum area. but...knowing that i have this thread and the blogging commitments i have is giving me an extra push to start writing more regularly again. (even if it's just filling notebook paper that will never see the light of day.)