For years I knew no name for my personal gender identity, and actually swung back and forth between stone butch and hetero-femme during a personality crisis....but when it all settled down and sorted out the message was pretty clear. I am a stone butch.
I believe in chivalry, in listening, in loving honestly and completely.
Presently I have no partner, but a few years back I had a 12 year relationship with a woman. I called her my wife.
...sexually I was the giver and liked it that way, she never wanted to touch me beyond kissing and holding. We had some great kissing/hugging marathons.
At first things were great. Fantastic. Or so I thought.
After 12 years she left me to find a "real man," sending me through the fires of emotional hell. We managed to remain friends somehow.
For years I couldn't bring myself to function as a lesbian at all, let alone as a butch or stone butch....I felt neutered. Devoid of self determination. I phased into another persona, a heterosexual girl. I'd done it once before and got pregnant. Sheesh.
So eventually I met a man and formed an interesting bond....and stayed in touch with my former wife.
I watched her go through one crappy relationship after another...abusive men.
I always tried to make sure there was space to take her in should it be needed but she refused.
She died of ovarian cancer three years ago....I saw her the day before she died and whispered "I love you." to her. She was too weak to speak, but her eyes told me she loved me too.
My 20 year relationship with the man is more like two brothers living together than a couple - no sex between us, separate rooms etc.
He is disabled and I am his home health care person. I live my own life, have my own friends and am living as butch full time once more.
I never felt comfortable trying to be a man's wife, or feminine at all for that matter. If it was available to me and if the science was perfected I'd go for the full sexual reassignment surgery including removal of ovaries and all.
If wishes were horses we'd all have a ride.
If it ever gets possible I'd like to have top surgery. Then I'd feel a little more comfortable.
I don't like being touched in/on my genitals....for some it's okay. For me it's just too much. I have yet to find a woman who can melt my stone to that capacity....I'll keep looking.
Sometimes it feels like my stone was hammered and fired repeatedly, tempered 'til it turned to steel.
I stand proud of our herstory/history/hystori....and am always mindful of the personal sacrifices made by those who've gone before us...courageous, beautiful souls all who gave their lives so we could be free.
I am a "long haired" stone butch, preferring to keep my locks long - although usually pulled back in a "biker's tail" or "freak flag." I usually wear blue jeans and t-shirts, clean but not formal... but I do clean up well and like a good three pieced suit with a hat and shiny shoes for steppin' out fancy.
I lead when dancing.
Believe it or not, I go to a "straight" bar in my neighborhood and for the most part am loved and accepted...many even defer to the proper pronouns....him/ze that sort of thing.
What kind of Butch am I?
A work in progress as are we all...defined as stone/sometimes steel, but with a great big heart bursting with love for the right femme.
