[yotlyolqualli]

Hello! This article really spoke to me, on many levels. It made me take a deep breath, sit back and examine my own feelings of invisibility and inability to somehow find a "niche" where I fit in.

I was raised Mennonite, and always "knew" women's role in life and in the family. What I didn't realize, until later on in life, was that trying to live that role, would be not only extremely difficult for me, but damned near impossible.

My parents were strict and we girls wore dresses. The only time pants were permitted, was when it was cold out, we were going to be out in that cold, and even then, we were only permitted to wear them under a skirt or dress. Things changed in my teen years, but I've always felt most comfortable in a dress.

When I realized I was gay at age 30 (took me a long time to figure out why I just didn't seem to like men..lol) I not only knew why the knight in shining armor of my girlhood dreams, was always a girl, I also realized why nothing ever seemed to click for me. It seemed like I was always one second behind, one moment behind and I was missing out on so much.

I was excited and terrified and horrified, all at the same time. I was gay. For some, realizing that is a relief. For me it was like a "light bulb" moment, and then I was devastated. You can't go 30 years through of life, being taught that homosexuality is a sin, then realizing that you are gay, without paralyzing and crippling fear grabbing hold of your throat and ravaging your soul. But eventually, I was able to grasp the reality and over time, learned that I am perfect, just like any other creature in God's creation.

So, it was with great excitement, that I stepped "out" not only to my family, friends and church (I got kicked out..lol) but I was stepping into my "niche" the place I had been longing for, for my entire life.

What I got, instead, was a slap in the face. No one believed I was gay. For a long time, not even my family would believe it. When people saw me, they saw ME... the mennonite.. the sunday school teacher... the worship leader... the "shore" girl... and in the gay community, I was straight. I wanted so badly and so desperately to fit in, that I stopped wearing dresses, stopped being "girly" emotionally, (stopped claiming to be a christian.. another topic)stopped doing what came naturally to me and started "acting" gay. I was welcomed then, with open arms.

But, once again I felt like I was one second too slow, one moment behind and I began to rebel against all of it. I started doing all the things I used to do, and when I did, I was accused of "going straight." So, once again, I allowed myself to be drawn back in to that world, to that society. I eventually met and became involved with a woman in a relationship that lasted over 5 years. Every time I would move back to anything that even closely related to who I was before, I would get an instant reaction from my girlfriend, which always started and ended with the question, "are you going back to men?"

There were other issues within our relationship (her belief that monogamy is for straight people... again another topic) but this one always seemed to be the "hot spot" that would result in fights, arguments and me always backing down and conforming. I found out that iking butch women, meant that I really wanted to be with a man, acting too femme meant I wasn't really gay and finally, one day, my mind just screamed and my strength finally woke up and said "hello!"

I became determined to be who I felt I was, to live how my heart told me to live. Yay! End of story, right? Afraid not.

When I stopped allowing myself to be influenced by the "non B&F" lesbians, I started doing what I had and wanted to do. When someone found out that I built a deck in my ex's back yard, I was butch. When someone found out I had designed and sewn my god daughters christening gown, I was femme. The roles of butch and femme, seemed to me, almost as rigid as the "non B&F" lesbian roles. So, I started to identify as androgynous, simply to stop the whole "argument" of butch or femme. Once again, I felt out of place.

Finally, one night, while laying in a hospital bed, I just had myself a talk with God, Jesus, and myself. We all agreed that I was exactly who God had created me to be and no matter what others thought about me, I was a woman. Period. I was a woman who was a nurturer, a woman who could build a deck, a woman who could fix things, cook things, grow things and a woman who was femme. A femme who is drawn to butch women. A woman, who could still be a christian, a wife (and a "husband" when needed) and even a mother (not yet..lol). I was someone unique, and while I may never fit into someone elses "niche" I could and have, created my own.

Now, I have found my "niche". I have found the place I truly fit into and it's one I treasure and one that has an open door with a welcome mat. While I will always proudly identify as a lesbian, I also proudly identify as a non-comformist.