[Ms. Meander]

My current Diagnosis is “PTSD in Remission” – which annoys me because that term makes it sound like it could be lurking around the corner ready to pounce at any moment. Why can’t it simply be “healed” or “overcome”? Then I remember that I don’t give a fuck what they call it because I am better and THAT is a freaking miracle – a miracle for which I have worked my ass off. But I digress. This is not at all my point.

My PTSD was a result of abuse that was ongoing throughout childhood and teen years. By the time I reached adulthood I was a serious mess. I have spent my entire adult life in every kind of therapy I could get my hands on. For a large portion of that time I was just lost in the mental health system and often overmedicated. I was so sick and sad, I had no ability to advocate for myself and just took whatever treatment was offered (or not). But I kept at it. Every time I fell down, I got back up --- eventually. Even though it felt like I was not making any progress, I was. Even if it was imperceptibly small. Eventually it accumulated and I started to become able to seek out different treatments to take me through the next steps of the journey. And so now I can say I have tried almost everything and all of it helped a little bit. The main point was to keep going, not give up, holding some small flicker of hope somewhere and faking it until it came back when I lost sight.

So finally, I have some lasting relief from my nightmare. Yet, these recent years I have been sort of stuck – unable to move forward. Upon closer analysis, the theory is this: I must now recover from my recovery. Are you kidding me?! For real. While healing from PTSD I developed many coping skills/mechanisms which I needed to replace older, more harmful mechanisms. But now those are no longer serving me either. For example: I became very reclusive to protect myself from being triggered. Now I wish to be a part of community but it is challenging for me because I’ve never really done it on a meaningful, long-lasting level. I’m lucky to be in a supportive environment now which gives me opportunity for community and space when I want it, so it’s a gentle transition.

Also, I’ve missed out on a lot of “regular” life because my entire life has been engulfed by trauma and recovery. While most people were going to school, starting families/communities, choosing careers etc, I was --- surviving. So I’m kind of starting fresh. Now. Which is very exciting.

Another thing I’ve been working on has to do with how trauma is held in the body and how to release it. Even though my mind is mostly cleared of PTSD symptoms, my body still holds it and the places where it’s holding that trauma create blockages so that no matter how much good stuff I put through, it all gets clogged up in those places - stuck. This feels like my final frontier. I have been working on it and am already experiencing success. It IS possible to release the body memories and heal fully. I’ll keep you posted.

The truth is, I’ll never be normal. Because, even though I am no longer defined by my trauma, it had everything to do with every stage of my development. That can’t be changed. But I think it has made me a better person. I was forced to look at myself, other people, and the world with a depth that I would not have otherwise. I am awake, I am aware. Now I am a strong, wise, compassionate woman of integrity. I have lived through too much suffering to accept anything less ever again. So even if this is just remission, I will never experience my past trauma as I used to. I simply know too much to go back.

Remain hopeful! And don’t ever give up. I promise it gets better.