[pynkkameleon]

Queer for me indicates that I embrace myself and my sexuality as complex and constantly evolving. The more that I learn about and understand myself, the more I realize that to identify as lesbian would be like fitting a square peg into a perfectly round hole. I've tried that label on and it never felt like it fit. It feels fraudulent to me, as if I am pretending to be something that I am not. It is (or was) even more compounded by the fact that I am primarily attracted to masculine energy. Butch, Trans and FTM's are what catch my eye and ultimately rock my world. I came to realize several years ago that I have always been that way, despite the fact that I was married and in a hetero relationship for 12 years. Even as I tried to deny my feelings and attractions, it eventually became something that I no longer could ignore. Those were very confusing times for me. I felt as if I didn't fit anywhere and didn't understand the strong feelings and desires that I was having. I dated a small handful of lesbians but that never felt right for me. There were some (not all) sexual expectations and an energy that I wasn't completely comfortable with. I found them attractive, and still do, but quickly I realized that anything other than a casual encounter was the most that I could ever accept for myself. Once again, that made me question my own identity even further. I finally reached a place where I began to date masculine butches and finally found my comfort zone. I also eventually met a wonderful person that was transitioning. While I supported him wholeheartedly, I wasn't ready yet to have a relationship with him. I think that I was scared that I would have to give up my "unknown" label and was fearful that I would be even less sure of where I belonged. I now know different. Nobody can take that from me and I belong wherever I choose to be. By accepting myself and letting go of those fears I was able to appreciate the wonderfully complex creature that I am. Being queer acknowledges that my desires and attractions are fluid and that I am free to move along my own preferred spectrum. Common labeling is no longer necessary to me. At the same time, I completely respect that for many other people within the community it is important. That's okay. We are all different and our diversity is a beautiful thing.

In my opinion, Queer is no one thing but an important component of acceptance. So while it took me a while to get here, I now know that I can confidently live by my own rules of attraction.