I just had the hardest conversation of my life. I don't know where to go from here. All I can see is down.
Remember the first time someone negated what happened to you? Remember what it felt like when someone you loved more than breathing told you that you were exaggerating or making something up or denied suddenly that it happened? Remember the leaving your body feeling as the experience rushed back to you?
My body feels numb. I feel like I'm going to pass out. And right now all I can think is "It's my fault. This is my fault. It's always going to be my fault." No pity. No emotion. I don't feel a single emotion. My head is just spinning. It's like someone took a chain saw to reality, chewed it into tiny little pieces, and then fed it to me like I was a little kid who refused to eat her green beans, saying the whole time, "Now you know that's not what happened. You know you're exaggerating. You know you're making that up. Why do you have to lie? I can't trust you if you lie. Shame on you. I'm so disappointed. I don't think I can ever trust you again."
Why has reality shifted? Why am I being told that it didn't happen? We've talked twice about the fact that it did. Is it because we view the circumstances differently? Is it because my wording is offensive to you? Is it because I'm less than you? Do you see nothing when you look at me? Are you finally willing to acknowledge that you think me the worthless piece of garbage I always suspected you did? I mean, why hold back? Right? It's too late to hold back now. If I'm the enemy, then you're safe. If it's all on me, you never have to think of me in positive terms again. You get to negate everything I did or said or felt. Just because you didn't like the word I used to describe my experience.
It's so...insane.
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