[deb_U_taunt]

hugs and hugs and hugs

Vent the fuck away!!!!!!!!!!

I have been struggling with image issues, too. I look in the mirror and wonder how the hell I got here. I went back to work on Monday and everyone in my department knows why I was out and I catch people glancing at my chest while we talk. I went through clothes and boxed up the boxed up those that showed cleavage. And nighties...WTH.

Give me a call and we can have a bitch fest and a good cry.

Originally Posted by pynkkameleon

It's almost 4am and I should be sound asleep. Instead my eyes are as big and as wide as the beautiful full moon is right now. I have a hunch that this insomnia of mine can be partially blamed on the new meds that I am on. Thankfully these new Rx's are for something "other" than cancer but they are definitely wreaking additional havoc on this broken body of mine. It's funny how we are prescribed one medication, then given another and yet another to combat side effects from the first, second and third meds and then suddenly the medicine cabinet isn't large enough to hold all of the little orange bottles. There has to be a better way than this.

I should probably apologize ahead of time for this post. (Not sure who I think I need to apologize to? Myself maybe?) I can tell already that it is probably going to come out sounding like the ramblings of a drunken madwoman. I assure you though that I am, at the moment at least, quite sober.

I do try very hard not to vent here on the boards, to keep my thoughts mostly private and to be positive 99.9% of the time. However, there are those times when it just gets bottled up to the point where it wants to explode. Probably not a very healthy thing. Positivity is generally very important to me. When I find myself anything but that, I am riddled with nothing but guilt. After all, I have people in my life, including and especially my children, that expect me to always be strong. Then again, maybe they don't expect that and I am just a victim of my own illusions.( See how artfully I let my mind twist and turn things?)

I saw the ta-ta doc this past Thursday. She cut the right side breast pocket open again to remove some more scar tissue. This latest procedure was intended to make the right side look more presentable. Ha! Presentable to whom I find myself wondering because as far as I'm concerned, the whole chest canvas thing seems like a lost cause. The left side has already been deemed as being "As good as it's ever going to get". Even without b/foobs, I am lopsided. It's not exactly a lovely sight. Maybe in time I will be able to get over this vanity issue I have with b/foobs (or in this case lack of b/foobs) and self image but for now, I really find myself still struggling and the very fact that it bugs me is really ticking me off. I wear a red cape damnit! This stuff isn't supposed to get to me.

I also want to throw in here that I am enthusiastically and eternally blessed and grateful to be alive. This isn't about not being thankful. I am well aware of the precious gift of life and there isn't a day that I don't give thanks for it or think of those who are also touched by this disease and others.

This is a self esteem issue.. and one I am not too proud of

I've been trying to combat those thoughts by asking myself the obvious questions such as..

"Okay Von, if you were in another persons shoes and you found yourself attracted to someone who had undergone a double mastectomy (or any other body altering surgery) would it take any of that attraction away for you?"

Duh! My answer is of course an emphatic "Hell No!". So, why I wonder do I assume that another person won't be able to see my body as attractive and that I am doomed to a life of being lonely and of never experiencing touch again?

Am I just being ridiculous or is this something "normal" and part of the self grieving process? Or maybe this is just the lack of sleep and oxygen to my brain talking. Maybe it's all of the above. Whatever it is, I came here to you wonderful people, because I knew that you would listen to my silliness without judging me for it.

Oh, and btw, I changed my name from Vonni to this new name, which is actually an old name but better than using my real name...

See.. I really DO need sleep

Oh.. and Dapper. You CAN do it. I have a so much respect for you for coming forward and making yourself accountable like that. Take baby steps where you need to. Every bit adds up and counts.

Hoping everyone is well, happy and smiling * hugs* and thanks for listening! Going to seek out my pillow now...