Butch Femme Planet - View Single Post

nycfem · 06-07-2012, 07:49 PM

Part 1 of 5: Logistic availability

1) How often do you see your friends in person?

Maybe once or twice a month if local and once a year or every few years if not.

2) How often do you talk on the phone, email, skype, etc. a friend?

Never Skype, sometimes email, love to talk on the phone if it's someone who can get off when one of us wants without any awkwardness, like the way I talk to my mom (several times a day but often about nothing and sometimes for hours and sometimes just a few minutes).

3) Is childcare a consideration, when you’re making plans with a friend?

No, not even dog care. I have cats. Purrrfect!

4) Are finances a consideration?

No, if one of us or both of us does not have or want to spend money, I love to walk or sit in the park.

5) Is accessibility or health a consideration?

No. I would hope to always make every accommodation possible for anyone's health or accessibility issues.

6) Is your work or class schedule a consideration?

I work a school schedule and take some classes in the afternoon / evening sometimes. I'm free right after school so sometimes it's frustrating to have an evening plan on a week day and have the "wait" time in between.

7) Does last-minute planning figure into your friendships, either out of necessity or just because that’s the way you prefer it?

I enjoy planned or last minute activities.

Part 2 of 5: Boundaries, expectations and values

1) What are your thoughts on butch/femme friendships?

I have both, and let's not forget the FTMs

2) If your partner didn’t like someone, would you still be friends with that person?

If it's very important to my partner, I would not. If it's not important, then I would. BB and I frequently have separate friends, and we don't mind that.

3) Describe a time someone cut you off as a friend.

She got romantically involved with someone more conservative/mainstream and not BF identified and became pregnant, and we just veered in different directions. I think I subconsciously "tested" her by becoming particularly difficult. Subconsciously I think I wanted her to say, "I love you unconditionally. We'll get through this." I also wonder if I was being difficult because subconsciously I wanted to push her to end our friendship. In any case, when she did end it, I went into a grieving like the end of any longtime love, platonic or otherwise. My heart still has pangs.

4) Describe a time you cut someone off as a friend.

She had a mean streak and wasn't there for me during an important time in my life. I wasn't able to talk to her about it or to let it go. I just distanced myself gradually and she took the hint. She was actually a rebound close friend from the one I described above. I remember when we met I told her what happened with the friend I described above and she said, "I'll be your new BFF." I thought, "Wow, how easy!" But of course, friends can't be replaced. Such a silly idea.

5) How would you respond, if you realized a friend had a substance abuse problem?

I tend to stay quiet about it unless it is glaring or help is asked for.

6) How would you respond, if your friend were in an abusive relationship?

This is always difficult for me. How much to say, how much to keep quiet. It's so hard. I have a few close friends in abusive relationships, and I guess I just play it by ear.

7) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (partnered) friend, what would you do?

Since I'm partnered, clearly the answer would be a foursome. Just kidding, but my mind always leans towards the perverse.

8) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (single) friend, what would you do?

My friendships are deep, and I often have romantic thoughts about friends. I am also a flirt but in a monogamous relationship, so that is as far as it goes.

9) If your friend had what you considered an annoying, albeit harmless habit, would you tell her?

I don't think it's worth telling someone to act different just for me, so usually just ignore it. Maybe if it was really getting to me, I'd hint or bring it up directly.

10) Describe a time that you “outgrew” a friend, if applicable.

I had a gay male friend who was off his rocker, tremendously difficult to deal with, but had a lot of strong points (Don't all gay men!). Finally, I just couldn't take the roller coaster and got off. Sometimes I regret it but mostly I'm relieved.

11) How many years have you known your oldest friend? How have you managed to stay friends, over time?

I have a friend, Lisa, who I used to walk to kindergarten with. She'd stay home if I was not going. Even though she ended up staying in small town Ohio, marrying a man, and having kids, and generally leading a much more conservative lifestyle than me, we somehow continue to share memories, humor, and love. Our friendship held. She has breast cancer, and I will fall to pieces if I lose her. She and her kids might visit this summer, and I visit them when I go to Ohio. There is nothing like an old friend.

12) Do you have any friends who are exes? What’s your philosophy about that?

I have light friendships with exes, and that's how I like it! No contact or very casual contact is what works for me.

13) How do you feel about “friends with benefits”?

N/A, in a monogamous life partnership with my husbutch

14) How do your expectations of a friend differ from your expectations of a romantic partner?

I take both very seriously. If I have an issue with a friend, I bring it up. Get ready to process.

15) Describe a time when you really came through for a friend.

I let a friend move in with me when she was going through a nervous breakdown. I've given money I don't have. I'd do anything for my real friends.

16) Describe a time a friend really came through for you.

He got me a job at his workplace when I was hating my job at the time.

17) What are a few deal breakers that would stop you being friends with someone?

I think its individual. Sometimes I'll deal with a lot of shit that someone puts out if there are some key aspects that I groove on. I'm not fond of liars. And I expect you to have my back.

18) What are the kinds of characters flaws you can overlook in a friend?

Narcissism.

Part 3 of 5: How important is it to you that:

1) …your friend’s age is fairly close to yours? Not at all.

2) …your friend’s educational level is similar to yours? Not at all.

3) …your friend’s economic situation is similar to yours? Not at all.

4) …your friend’s religious beliefs are similar to yours? Not at all.

5) …your friend’s class background is similar to yours? Not at all.

6) …your friend’s gender identity or sexual preference is similar to yours? Not at all.

7) …your small or adult children like your friends? N/A

8) …your friends like to include your children, when you hang out together? N/A

Part 4 of 5: Which of the following shared activities with a friend appeal to you?

1) Attending singles events and supporting each other as you scan the environment for someone to flirt with, etc. N/A

2) Exercising; outdoors or indoors: VERY much! Love to go on walks.

3) Watching movies or videos; at home or in a theater: Love this too!

4) Playing video or electronic games; at home or somewhere else: Prefer board games.

5) Attending sports events or watching sports on TV: Ugh.

6) Participating in team sports Ugh

7) Attending cultural events (museums, concerts, readings, etc.) If it's something cultural that I'm really into. I'm pretty picky.

8) Shopping Not my thing.

9) Cooking, or eating in restaurants: Sometimes.

10) Visiting wildlife centers, going to a county fair, hanging out to watch the dog run in an urban area, bird watching—anything that involves animals
Doesn't sound like my thing.

11) Other: I like to go to the park and sit on a blanket with a friend. Do art, play games, have a picnic.

Part 5 of 5: What important things has this survey left out?

What quirks do I bring to a friendship?

I like to do things while I'm talking to you and it doesn't mean you're not interesting. I like to do crafts at all times, stuff I can do while still listening, bonding with you. I'm just weird like that. Don't take it personally.

BONUS QUESTION: In your opinion, has the fact that this survey was created by a femme, affected it in any way?

I don't think so.

06-07-2012, 07:49 PM	#11
nycfem Moderator How Do You Identify?: femme sub Preferred Pronoun?: Baby Grrl Relationship Status: Attached Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: NYC Posts: 6,793 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 52,987 Thanked 21,486 Times in 5,101 Posts Rep Power: 21474855	Part 1 of 5: Logistic availability 1) How often do you see your friends in person? Maybe once or twice a month if local and once a year or every few years if not. 2) How often do you talk on the phone, email, skype, etc. a friend? Never Skype, sometimes email, love to talk on the phone if it's someone who can get off when one of us wants without any awkwardness, like the way I talk to my mom (several times a day but often about nothing and sometimes for hours and sometimes just a few minutes). 3) Is childcare a consideration, when you’re making plans with a friend? No, not even dog care. I have cats. Purrrfect! 4) Are finances a consideration? No, if one of us or both of us does not have or want to spend money, I love to walk or sit in the park. 5) Is accessibility or health a consideration? No. I would hope to always make every accommodation possible for anyone's health or accessibility issues. 6) Is your work or class schedule a consideration? I work a school schedule and take some classes in the afternoon / evening sometimes. I'm free right after school so sometimes it's frustrating to have an evening plan on a week day and have the "wait" time in between. 7) Does last-minute planning figure into your friendships, either out of necessity or just because that’s the way you prefer it? I enjoy planned or last minute activities. Part 2 of 5: Boundaries, expectations and values 1) What are your thoughts on butch/femme friendships? I have both, and let's not forget the FTMs 2) If your partner didn’t like someone, would you still be friends with that person? If it's very important to my partner, I would not. If it's not important, then I would. BB and I frequently have separate friends, and we don't mind that. 3) Describe a time someone cut you off as a friend. She got romantically involved with someone more conservative/mainstream and not BF identified and became pregnant, and we just veered in different directions. I think I subconsciously "tested" her by becoming particularly difficult. Subconsciously I think I wanted her to say, "I love you unconditionally. We'll get through this." I also wonder if I was being difficult because subconsciously I wanted to push her to end our friendship. In any case, when she did end it, I went into a grieving like the end of any longtime love, platonic or otherwise. My heart still has pangs. 4) Describe a time you cut someone off as a friend. She had a mean streak and wasn't there for me during an important time in my life. I wasn't able to talk to her about it or to let it go. I just distanced myself gradually and she took the hint. She was actually a rebound close friend from the one I described above. I remember when we met I told her what happened with the friend I described above and she said, "I'll be your new BFF." I thought, "Wow, how easy!" But of course, friends can't be replaced. Such a silly idea. 5) How would you respond, if you realized a friend had a substance abuse problem? I tend to stay quiet about it unless it is glaring or help is asked for. 6) How would you respond, if your friend were in an abusive relationship? This is always difficult for me. How much to say, how much to keep quiet. It's so hard. I have a few close friends in abusive relationships, and I guess I just play it by ear. 7) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (partnered) friend, what would you do? Since I'm partnered, clearly the answer would be a foursome. Just kidding, but my mind always leans towards the perverse. 8) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (single) friend, what would you do? My friendships are deep, and I often have romantic thoughts about friends. I am also a flirt but in a monogamous relationship, so that is as far as it goes. 9) If your friend had what you considered an annoying, albeit harmless habit, would you tell her? I don't think it's worth telling someone to act different just for me, so usually just ignore it. Maybe if it was really getting to me, I'd hint or bring it up directly. 10) Describe a time that you “outgrew” a friend, if applicable. I had a gay male friend who was off his rocker, tremendously difficult to deal with, but had a lot of strong points (Don't all gay men!). Finally, I just couldn't take the roller coaster and got off. Sometimes I regret it but mostly I'm relieved. 11) How many years have you known your oldest friend? How have you managed to stay friends, over time? I have a friend, Lisa, who I used to walk to kindergarten with. She'd stay home if I was not going. Even though she ended up staying in small town Ohio, marrying a man, and having kids, and generally leading a much more conservative lifestyle than me, we somehow continue to share memories, humor, and love. Our friendship held. She has breast cancer, and I will fall to pieces if I lose her. She and her kids might visit this summer, and I visit them when I go to Ohio. There is nothing like an old friend. 12) Do you have any friends who are exes? What’s your philosophy about that? I have light friendships with exes, and that's how I like it! No contact or very casual contact is what works for me. 13) How do you feel about “friends with benefits”? N/A, in a monogamous life partnership with my husbutch 14) How do your expectations of a friend differ from your expectations of a romantic partner? I take both very seriously. If I have an issue with a friend, I bring it up. Get ready to process. 15) Describe a time when you really came through for a friend. I let a friend move in with me when she was going through a nervous breakdown. I've given money I don't have. I'd do anything for my real friends. 16) Describe a time a friend really came through for you. He got me a job at his workplace when I was hating my job at the time. 17) What are a few deal breakers that would stop you being friends with someone? I think its individual. Sometimes I'll deal with a lot of shit that someone puts out if there are some key aspects that I groove on. I'm not fond of liars. And I expect you to have my back. 18) What are the kinds of characters flaws you can overlook in a friend? Narcissism. Part 3 of 5: How important is it to you that: 1) …your friend’s age is fairly close to yours? Not at all. 2) …your friend’s educational level is similar to yours? Not at all. 3) …your friend’s economic situation is similar to yours? Not at all. 4) …your friend’s religious beliefs are similar to yours? Not at all. 5) …your friend’s class background is similar to yours? Not at all. 6) …your friend’s gender identity or sexual preference is similar to yours? Not at all. 7) …your small or adult children like your friends? N/A 8) …your friends like to include your children, when you hang out together? N/A Part 4 of 5: Which of the following shared activities with a friend appeal to you? 1) Attending singles events and supporting each other as you scan the environment for someone to flirt with, etc. N/A 2) Exercising; outdoors or indoors: VERY much! Love to go on walks. 3) Watching movies or videos; at home or in a theater: Love this too! 4) Playing video or electronic games; at home or somewhere else: Prefer board games. 5) Attending sports events or watching sports on TV: Ugh. 6) Participating in team sports Ugh 7) Attending cultural events (museums, concerts, readings, etc.) If it's something cultural that I'm really into. I'm pretty picky. 8) Shopping Not my thing. 9) Cooking, or eating in restaurants: Sometimes. 10) Visiting wildlife centers, going to a county fair, hanging out to watch the dog run in an urban area, bird watching—anything that involves animals Doesn't sound like my thing. 11) Other: I like to go to the park and sit on a blanket with a friend. Do art, play games, have a picnic. Part 5 of 5: What important things has this survey left out? What quirks do I bring to a friendship? I like to do things while I'm talking to you and it doesn't mean you're not interesting. I like to do crafts at all times, stuff I can do while still listening, bonding with you. I'm just weird like that. Don't take it personally. BONUS QUESTION: In your opinion, has the fact that this survey was created by a femme, affected it in any way? I don't think so.