[Ginger]

Part 1 of 5: Logistic availability

1) How often do you see your friends in person?

I try to go out with a friend or acquaintance at least once a week, usually on a weeknight. I work in NYC and live further out, and it’s easier for me to go out while I’m already in town. My whole social life is in the City. All the restaurants I like, all the readings are there.

2) How often do you talk on the phone, email, skype, etc. a friend?

The phone—only if I have a pressing thing to talk about. Email—same. Skype—never tried it and doesn’t seem worth the trouble.

3) Is childcare a consideration, when you’re making plans with a friend?

No.

4) Are finances a consideration?

My main friends have about the same resources as I do. For a couple years I was friends with an older unemployed person and I treated him a lot. Likewise I’m comfortable dialing it back down if someone wants to go to a really expensive restaurant and I’m feeling more thrifty.

5) Is accessibility or health a consideration?

Not for me, but for some friends, I don’t want to go somewhere really loud because we will have a hard time hearing each other.

6) Is your work or class schedule a consideration?

I get off work right at 5. That makes me want to meet earlier, rather than later, but people are usually okay with that.

7) Does last-minute planning figure into your friendships, either out of necessity or just because that’s the way you prefer it?

I’m fine with it, when it comes up.

Part 2 of 5: Boundaries, expectations and values

1) What are your thoughts on butch/femme friendships?

I would have no problems being friends with a butch. I think it’s crazy to segregate butches and femmes, like some kind of fifties social model. I also get annoyed when all the butches are in one room and all the femmes in another. It’s okay once in a while, but sheesh, let’s treat each other like peers.

2) If your partner didn’t like someone, would you still be friends with that person?

Absolutely. And have. Nobody tells me who I can be friend with.

3) Describe a time someone cut you off as a friend.

I had a very good friend of about eight or nine years, who was in a very depressing marriage. For example once her husband demanded she go to a sex club with him for his birthday, and she was so beaten down, she agreed to go, though she didn’t want to.

Then one time, he choked her during an argument, and when I heard that, I insisted she leave him. I really got in her face and challenged all her reasons for not leaving, and upset her so much she cried, she told me, on the train home.

Then I got an email from her, saying she could no long be my friend, that I “didn’t know how to be a friend.” And when I saw her at an event a few months later and said, Hi, she looked right through me like I wasn’t there.

Eventually, I reached out to her and we see each other once in a while, but we avoid any “trigger” topics, so the intimacy, the confiding in each other, really isn’t there. I’ve been through a lot in the last year and especially in the last couple months, that she has no clue about, though we’ve been to dinner several times during that period.

4) Describe a time you cut someone off as a friend.

I didn’t cut her off, but I had to take a break from a friend who sent a group email with two jokes, one about how dumb blonds are (I’m blond), and how dumb Texans are (my parents grew up in the Dallas area).

I wrote her and told her I was hurt, and that I would never send a group email disparaging her ethnicity, and her response was very superficial, kind of a generic “I meant no offense.” We’re back in touch now, acting like nothing happened.

5) How would you respond, if you realized a friend had a substance abuse problem?

This happened and my friend’s ex and I found a rehab place that would take her insurance, and made sure (since the ex happened to be her boss), that she would get paid leave.

We then followed instructions from the counselor at the rehab place who told us to call her, one after the other, and say we’d cut off our friendship with her, if she didn’t go. Then we drove her there. She checked herself out early, and I don’t know how she’s doing now.

6) How would you respond, if your friend were in an abusive relationship?

I’d open the door for talking about it, and try to have some resources to point her toward. I learned my lesson with the friend who cut me off for insisting she leave her abusive husband, and I wouldn’t come on really strong about it.

7) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (partnered) friend, what would you do?

Keep it to myself, and maybe curtail the contact if it’s too frustrating.

8) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (single) friend, what would you do?

If I were single, too, I would just keep developing the friendship, and let the affection build until we couldn’t resist each other.

9) If your friend had what you considered an annoying, albeit harmless habit, would you tell her?

No. People blow that shit all out of proportion.

10) Describe a time that you “outgrew” a friend, if applicable.

I was friends with the brother of a dear friend who died, but then I realized the brother was a racist, and it stunned me, and I couldn’t be friends with him.

Oh yeah, and he has a bunch of my furniture and other things in storage (bentwood rocker, hand-woven rugs, etc.), and for years wouldn’t return my calls to get them back. I let it go, but I’m mentioning it here because it’s more evidence that I outgrew him—he’s a worse person than I thought, and just because he looks, sounds and walks like his brother, the friend I lost, he’s not him.

11) How many years have you known your oldest friend? How have you managed to stay friends, over time?

I’ve been friend with Alex for almost 25 years. She lives in L.A. and I saw her every year or so when my sister lived in San Diego, but that’s slowed down since my sister moved. We talk on the phone, to catch up.

12) Do you have any friends who are exes? What’s your philosophy about that?

My philosophy:

If you had a friendship while you were dating, but just couldn’t pull off the romantic thing (and it doesn’t exacerbate the healing of broken hearts), then why not be friends after breaking up?

But if you broke up because the interaction was toxic, it will continue being toxic in your friendship.

I have a friend in Provincetown who is an ex, but we hardly ever see each other. My main ex (10-year relationship), wouldn’t be friends with me because (I’m convinced of this, but could be wrong), her new partner was jealous of me. Another ex wanted to be friends with me, but wanted to hide it from her new gf—no thanks. My ex from college is a very dear, old friend. We don’t see each other much, but nothing big happens in our lives—a move, a death, a birth, a big work success—that we don’t let the other know about.

13) How do you feel about “friends with benefits”?

I need romantic love, to enjoy sex. But I don’t think there’s a thing in the world wrong with friends with benefits, for others. In fact I think it’s a great solution for people who don’t have the time or energy to invest in a relationship but who don’t want to live without sexual experiences.

14) How do your expectations of a friend differ from your expectations of a romantic partner?

I put up with a lot more shit from a partner than I would from a friend. And I’m just realizing that, as I type it.

15) Describe a time when you really came through for a friend.

I’m connecting a friend now with people who can help her find a job, and when another friend needed to get away from her family, I let her stay with me for several weekends. I’ve given and lent money, and been a good listener.

16) Describe a time a friend really came through for you.

An old, long-ago friend, a gay man, went away for a summer, and asked one of his friends, another nice gay man, and an acquaintance of mine, to call me and hang out with me once a week, and he did. I was going through a really lonely time, and he didn't want me to be alone. You never forget that kind of kindess.

Much more recently, a new friend who talked me through a particularly low point in my life is deep in my heart now.

17) What are a few deal breakers that would stop you being friends with someone?

Religious orthodoxy or proselytizing, eats live octopus, has no indoor voice, just to name a few.

18) What are the kinds of characters flaws you can overlook in a friend?

Insecure about their work (I’m talking about creative work), always late, is terribly vain, that kind of thing. In fact these things are endearing, sometimes.

Part 3 of 5: How important is it to you that:

1) …your friend’s age is fairly close to yours?

Another further than 20 or so years in either direction and I might start to feel a generational disconnect.

2) …your friend’s educational level is similar to yours?

Intelligence matters more to me than degrees.

3) …your friend’s economic situation is similar to yours?

As long as we can find a middle-ground in the way of restaurants we are both comfortable with, I’m fine with that difference.

4) …your friend’s religious beliefs are similar to yours?

I don’t have religious beliefs, and a person who bases a lot of major decisions on religious compliance—whether it makes sense to them or not—would probably not be compatible with me.

5) …your friend’s class background is similar to yours?

In graduate school, my lover was from an old-money WASP family in which the brother denigrated my educational background and another family member said I had no “recreational skills.” I never got their references, when they were name-dropping about schools, resort towns, camps and brands, and when I earned numerous merit fellowships that my partner didn’t get, well, that didn’t go over too well, with either her, or them. So I recognize class can estrange people.

Now, though, I’m older and have been involved with so many types of people, nothing fazes me. I can gracefully turn the tables on life’s various meanies, and from years of working in literacy in NYC, I’m sensitive to people who haven’t had my level of privilege, as well.

6) …your friend’s gender identity or sexual preference is similar to yours?

I like talking about that kind of difference, it fascinates me. So that would be plus, if we were different in that way.

Part 4 of 5: Which of the following shared activities with a friend appeal to you?

1) Attending singles events and supporting each other as you scan the environment for someone to flirt with, etc.

When I’m single, I think this is really fun. There’s nothing like comparing notes on the butches in the room, daring each other to say Hi to someone, etc.

2) Exercising; outdoors or indoors

Biking, hiking, walking.

3) Watching movies or videos; at home or in a theater

Movie theaters are fun.

4) Playing video or electronic games; at home or somewhere else

I get sleepy just thinking about it.

5) Attending sports events or watching sports on TV

Maybe a Liberty game, but that’s about it.

6) Participating in team sports

You’re joking, right?

7) Attending cultural events (museums, concerts, readings, etc.)

Yes, yes, yes.

8) Shopping

Really fun with a friend, especially if you have lunch before or dinner after. This is one of those things that is much more fun with a friend, than a lover.

9) Cooking, or eating in restaurants

Restaurants, by all means.

10) Visiting wildlife centers, going to a county fair, hanging out to watch the dog run in an urban area, bird watching—anything that involves animals

Love all this stuff.


Part 5 of 5: What important things has this survey left out?

It’s not what’s been left out, it’s what’s been put in. For fuck’s sake, this is a long survey. Whover made this up, Get a life!!

BONUS QUESTION: In your opinion, has the fact that this survey was created by a femme, affected it in any way?

The emoticons are kind of a give-away. But I could be wrong.