[Soft*Silver]

Part 1 of 5: Logistic availability

1) How often do you see your friends in person?
depends on the friend. Some, once a month. Some every couple months. None weekly or daily.

2) How often do you talk on the phone, email, skype, etc. a friend?
Over the past couple years I have developed an anxiety about talking on the phone. I wont answer the phone and I sure wont call to chit chat. Sometimes, if someone is in trouble or a death has happened, or something of that catastrophic nature, I will call someone and talk to them on the phone. thank god for texting. All my local plans are made via texts. I have to talk on the phone for the store and it damn near kills me. I cant wait to earn enough to hire someone to take calls.

I love emails. I can say so much and it lets people read, and ponder.

3) Is childcare a consideration, when you’re making plans with a friend?
sometimes I babysit my nephews and nieces. So yes, its a consideration if I have them. Most of my same age peers think I am crazy babysitting. Sometimes I do too. But mostly its a nice way to have kids in my life and I get to send them home when my energy wears out.

4) Are finances a consideration?
sadly yes. Sometimes I dont have money to even go to the dollar movies. But friends who are friends will come here to sit in my gorgeous back yard and chat. Or we will hang out at the free museums. Or they pay my way in. And when I can, I pay their way in. Or I do something nice for them.

5) Is accessibility or health a consideration?
we have gone to little shops and they have things upstairs or in the basement and I cant go. I also tire out very easily. I have had to go in wheelchairs a couple time, with people pushing me.

6) Is your work or class schedule a consideration?
it hasnt been but it is now. I am opening a store and my time is taken up with getting it opened, or de-stressing my body when I have worked it too hard. friends wanted me to go horseback riding the other day and I couldnt. And you know how I love horses!

7) Does last-minute planning figure into your friendships, either out of necessity or just because that’s the way you prefer it?
Last minute get togethers are my favorites!


Part 2 of 5: Boundaries, expectations and values

1) What are your thoughts on butch/femme friendships?
I relate differently to butches than I do femmes. I can have friendships with butches but it is a friendship that acknowledges who we are. My friendships with butches are very different than my friendships with straight men. I will not flirt with straight men who are friends. I will with butches who are friends. I will flirt with FtMs who are friends. I never flirt with anyone attached, no matter what. Flirting can be part of friendship, if its acknowledged as a safe and comfortable thing to do. I flirt with some straight girls who are my friends, locally. However, I think they of all the groups, would be the one to push the playing into the range of possibility....

2) If your partner didn’t like someone, would you still be friends with that person? I think this is a question that has to be answered based on the persons and the situation. I was in a relationship where I loathed someone they were friends with. Best friends! I was forced to interact and deal with this person on a daily basis. She played us and drove a wedge between us. Everyone else could see it but my partner could not. It was never going to be a good situation so I left. I left someone I truly loved. But love and respect are two different things. And I couldnt give that to him because of how I was treated and I wasnt getting it from him either. So in this kind of situation, no. But, who I am with now, he has a best male friend that I see as a pervert. Nothing about him is likable regarding his morals and values. However, he treats me well, respects me and I do the same to him. We all go out together, he with his wife and me and chrissy. Would I ever be his friend if not for his tie to chrissy? Never! But he is a good person to chrissy and very nice to me so we all get along...

3) Describe a time someone cut you off as a friend. when I ended an on line relationship, the person refuses to speak to me now. He believes I was interested in someone else and that is the reason I broke it off with him. Not true at all. But he just wont hear it. So I lost a very good friend in him. Above all else, we were wonderful friends. And this has pained me deeply.

4) Describe a time you cut someone off as a friend. She would not respect my boundaries about relationships. i didnt want one and she wanted one. I wanted a friendship. She wanted a romance. She would tell me she was ok with a friendship but made moves on me all the time. It got to the point where she was stalking me so i had to cut her out of my life. She wouldnt listen any other way. Again, a deep loss because I really liked her as a friend!

5) How would you respond, if you realized a friend had a substance abuse problem? I am a member of AA. I have offered to go to meetings with people but mostly I just shut my mouth and wait. People know I am in recovery and they come to me when they are tired of being sick and tired. They know I will be there for them. i dont need to push it on them

6) How would you respond, if your friend were in an abusive relationship?
same as above. I use to direct domestic violence shelters so people know they can come to me if they need it. I see signs early on and sometimes I might say a thing or two but mostly, I just give time time. the exception to that is if the person is in danger. Then i speak up and hopefully,they will be ready to take action

7) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (partnered) friend, what would you do? this has actually happened to me. I said nothing. I gave no hint. I do not destroy relationships. I hae cheaters and I will not be a cheater.

8) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (single) friend, what would you do? I am assertive.

9) If your friend had what you considered an annoying, albeit harmless habit, would you tell her? god yes

10) Describe a time that you “outgrew” a friend, if applicable. some people might say they never outgrow anyone. I guess thats the PC thing to say. But I know I have. People find a niche and thats where they like to stay, where their happiness and comfort is. I find I am always a seeker. I find things that make me happy, like forms of art, new types of gardening, new ways to express myself spiritually. I gather it, gain from it, then move onto other new things. I love to broaden my horizons. Not everyone does. Sometimes that is frightening/unnerving to people. Those are the people I outgrow. People who applaud my journey, stay with me, and I honor where they like to be as well. But those who deny me the right to move on, well, I have to let go.

11) How many years have you known your oldest friend? How have you managed to stay friends, over time?I have been best friends with my Yaya since the first day of first grade. Its been 49 years so far...

12) Do you have any friends who are exes? What’s your philosophy about that? I am friends with several of my exes. And I dont speak with a few, simply because they just arent in reach. And a couple, I would rather never see again this life

13) How do you feel about “friends with benefits”? never did this. Didnt want to back in the day. Might consider it now if I ever needed to

14) How do your expectations of a friend differ from your expectations of a romantic partner? Oh, I dont know. Simple answer is they are they same but the partner is just a deeper committment

15) Describe a time when you really came through for a friend. a friend's barn caught on fire. 29 of her horses perished. Many of them were pregnant. It was devastating. I was there with her, picked hooves and flesh from burnt ashes. I saw trauma in the remaining horse's eyes. I saw my friend's eyes...and hope I never peer into eyes like that again. I pulled together a donation list, where people could send in money and horse items. I helped her emotionally thru the worst first six months.

16) Describe a time a friend really came through for you. that same friend allowed me to come sit under her apple tree in her orchard when my butch husband left me for another woman. I knew i was going to lose my farm, all my horses, etc. I couldnt keep the lights on if the water was on. My daughter's college fund was ever stolen.I had just had a major farm accident and wa experiencing a county wide hate crime against me as a lesbian. I wept under her apple tree for three days straight. She barely said a word. She just brought me ice tea and tissues...

17) What are a few deal breakers that would stop you being friends with someone? a cruel nature of anykind toward anyone or anything. I dropped a coworker friendship because she was horrible to the wait staff whenever we went out to eat together. I mean HORRIBLE.

18) What are the kinds of characters flaws you can overlook in a friend? too many to list. Just about anything as long as they are striving to be good people.


Part 3 of 5: How important is it to you that:

1) …your friend’s age is fairly close to yours? I have 20 year old friends. And 80 year old friends. I am 55

2) …your friend’s educational level is similar to yours? somewhat. Not that I am an egotist, but I have alot of education and alot of life experience. Someone who isnt evolved in some manner, is going to get lost with me.

3) …your friend’s economic situation is similar to yours? N/A

4) …your friend’s religious beliefs are similar to yours? I cannot tolerate the intolerants

5) …your friend’s class background is similar to yours? N/A

6) …your friend’s gender identity or sexual preference is similar to yours? you would be hard pressed to find someone I didnt get along with in these categories

7) …your small or adult children like your friends? my daughter, who is 28, has hated some of my friends and partners. It was a mess. She is a mess at the moment. She is not well, mentally and spiritually. I know she has affected me. and that affects my ability to relate to the world.

8) …your friends like to include your children, when you hang out together?
when she was younger, that was a plus. But I am not into playdates anymore. I dont do things with people with kids. I am old and cranky and more of a baba yaga than a fairy godmother....hahahah...not really. But, I really dont tolerate nasty kids.