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genghisfawn · 06-09-2012, 07:49 PM

Part 1 of 5: Logistic availability

1) How often do you see your friends in person?

As often as possible. We're all busy people but we tend to put quality time over quantity of time.

2) How often do you talk on the phone, email, skype, etc. a friend?

If I don't see my best friend for a few weeks (we live in different cities) we text each other private jokes and random blather to keep things going. I have other friends that require more maintenance, but even if my response isn't immediate, they know it's coming.

3) Is childcare a consideration, when you’re making plans with a friend?

Not for me. Some of my friends have young kids, so I just head over there and hope for a few minutes of grown-up time.

4) Are finances a consideration?

I have friends of all ages and stages. Besides, there are as many fun free and cheap things to do as there are costly ones.

5) Is accessibility or health a consideration?

Nope. One of my friends actually trusts me to drive her wheelchair van (at her peril, folks, at her peril, hahaha.)

6) Is your work or class schedule a consideration?

Yes, unfortunately. I'm single, thus I'm busy. I work 40-48 hours a week, I'm involved in the performing arts when in season, I have my mother and brother who love and need me, I'm a church-goer who is in the choir and social justice committee... I see you when I see you, but we make it a hell of a good time.

7) Does last-minute planning figure into your friendships, either out of necessity or just because that’s the way you prefer it?

I do last-minute when I can... it's fun that way, and I feel all daring when someone says, "Hey, want to meet me at Cranberry Flats in an hour and bring your camera?"

Part 2 of 5: Boundaries, expectations and values

1) What are your thoughts on butch/femme friendships?

I have butch friends, femme friends, man friends, woman friends, kid friends, dog friends, etc. Friendships are precious, period.

2) If your partner didn’t like someone, would you still be friends with that person?

I'd need to know, honestly, why. My close friends know me so well that any partner of mine would probably do better to befriend them rather than be jealous or annoyed by them. Even if they didn't get along as friends, I'd want them to be civil to one another and have my partner respect the friendship and my friend respect the relationship.

3) Describe a time someone cut you off as a friend.

My friend Sadie from university was a close friend. She and I were inseparable. We took classes together, hung out frequently, shared everything, slept in the same bed and called each other "wifey". I tend to make very intimate connections with close friends, and so does she. When she was getting ready to move to another city, she cut our friendship off at the root in order to cope with having to leave and the friendship having to change. I grieved her for a long time, and not a day goes by when I don't think of her, but I respected her need because I loved her.

4) Describe a time you cut someone off as a friend.

I'm in the process of doing it right now, unfortunately. I've tried hard to get the friendship to change and progress, but one person can't do that in a mutual relationship alone, so I'm gradually reducing the amount of time and energy this friend has of mine and eventually I'll have to let it go. The time we spend together only stresses me out, and cutting the friendship off is a last-ditch resort after trying everything else. It sucks, but it has to be done.

5) How would you respond, if you realized a friend had a substance abuse problem?

Been there. I love them and support them and suspend my judgement.

6) How would you respond, if your friend were in an abusive relationship?

Been there, as well. I learned from my first serious relationship, which was abusive, and how my friends responded when we were 18 and 19. Now that we're grown-ups and we've agreed to help each other out when this stuff comes up, we're honest with one another. I don't push, but I do tell them what I see and let them know periodically that I have their back. If they need me, I'm there.

7) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (partnered) friend, what would you do?

It's happened. It's not worth the bother it would cause by telling them, and I'd never do anything about it, so I just try to find out why I'm attracted to them and hope that I can turn the feelings into a better friendship.

8) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (single) friend, what would you do?

Sometimes romances begin as friendships. I would never get a crush on a close friend, but when I've developed a crush on a new friend or acquaintance, sometimes I've let it be known (but I'm usually too shy.) Sometimes things have happened, and sometimes not, but I figure most people like to know someone thinks they're a hottie!

9) If your friend had what you considered an annoying, albeit harmless habit, would you tell her?

If it really gets under my skin, I tell them. I've also been in the horrible position of having someone say, "Be honest with me. (Particular destructive behaviour)... is it a bad thing? What do you think?" and I have to be diplomatic but honest.

10) Describe a time that you “outgrew” a friend, if applicable.

I've outgrown my high school friends all within the last year. The stress of their infighting got to be too much, and it hasn't changed in so many years, and I needed to be free of it. I still see them one on one sometimes, and I enjoy it, but I can't be with them in a group or talk about the others with them.

11) How many years have you known your oldest friend? How have you managed to stay friends, over time?

My oldest friend and I have known each other since we were 14 and 15 and met in the youth orchestra. She was 2nd clarinet, and I was 3rd double bass. It was an unlikely pairing, but today we are the bestest of besties and I'm glad I complimented her Our Lady Peace shirt that day.

12) Do you have any friends who are exes? What’s your philosophy about that?

Most of my exes are friends, or we were friends after the relationship but had to come apart for various reasons. The two exes I never speak to anymore are unspeakable for various reasons, and I just leave it at that. Sometimes it's because we were better off as friends than lovers, so why not be friends?

13) How do you feel about “friends with benefits”?

Did it. Emotionally screwed me up. Won't do it again.

14) How do your expectations of a friend differ from your expectations of a romantic partner?

Physical intimacy and first point-of-call are the only criteria I require out of a partner and not my friends. The airing of bullshit and relationship advice are things I require out of friends and not from a partner.

15) Describe a time when you really came through for a friend.

Last summer, one of my close friends had a serious mental health breakdown. So many years of shit came out in the process. His wife at the time was pregnant and had the 3-year-old and 13-year-old at home, they were down to one salary and they needed help. I gave them food, I had the wife over a lot and let her drink my coffee, eat my Gaviscon and lie on my living room floor and cry. At the time it was all I could do, but I took care of her so she could go home and take care of everyone a little better.

16) Describe a time a friend really came through for you.

This past summer was the worst of my life. I'd been dumped, my life had gone 180, I was sick and stoned out on painkillers, I was waiting for surgery and I couldn't work. Oh, and because I was on EI I was painfully poor. My best friend came home for the summer (she's a teacher) and basically dragged my ass back from the depression which accompanies an illness and got me to rejoin the world. Bless her. I love her more than life itself.

17) What are a few deal breakers that would stop you being friends with someone?

I don't have hard limits with friendships. People are people, no matter what. I've had to stop being friends with people, though, when the way they live is incompatible with the way I live (heavy drug-users, heavy partiers, etc.) out of self-preservation.

18) What are the kinds of characters flaws you can overlook in a friend?

Most things, actually. Everyone is quirky, and I am certainly not exempt. I can put up with a lot of quirks, eccentricities, specifics, etc. but I sometimes call people on destructive, manipulative or aggressive behaviours for their own sake and mine.

Part 3 of 5: How important is it to you that:

1) …your friend’s age is fairly close to yours? - Not important.

2) …your friend’s educational level is similar to yours? - Not very important, but I need a high level of conversation.

3) …your friend’s economic situation is similar to yours? - Not important.

4) …your friend’s religious beliefs are similar to yours? - Not important.

5) …your friend’s class background is similar to yours? - Not important.

6) …your friend’s gender identity or sexual preference is similar to yours? - Not important.

7) …your small or adult children like your friends? - Haven't got any.

8) …your friends like to include your children, when you hang out together? - Haven't got any, but I don't mind including theirs sometimes (but being the single, kidless one, I'm the friend they go to for grown-up time anyhow!)

Part 4 of 5: Which of the following shared activities with a friend appeal to you?

1) Attending singles events and supporting each other as you scan the environment for someone to flirt with, etc. Like a bar?

Sure. I'm a great wingwoman.

2) Exercising; outdoors or indoors

Ex...ercise? Like they do on teevee?

3) Watching movies or videos; at home or in a theater

Once in awhile.

4) Playing video or electronic games; at home or somewhere else ish.

Meh.

5) Attending sports events or watching sports on TV

Only Saskatchewan Roughrider games!

6) Participating in team sports

Depends on the sport, depends on the team. My bestie and I like to go curling and skating in winter!

7) Attending cultural events (museums, concerts, readings, etc.)

Absolutely!

8) Shopping

I really have to be in the mood.

9) Cooking, or eating in restaurants

All the time!

10) Visiting wildlife centers, going to a county fair, hanging out to watch the dog run in an urban area, bird watching

You bet. We've already planned trips to Cranberry Flats and Batoche for the summer.

11) Other

Bonfires (summer and winter), picnics, summer festivals, WalMart jousting... the list is endless!

Part 5 of 5: What important things has this survey left out?

I think people value different things in their friendships, so the survey itself was a good preliminary exercise in evaluating how I see my friends and friendships, but also got me thinking about the deeper, more personal things.

Thanks for writing it!

BONUS QUESTION: In your opinion, has the fact that this survey was created by a femme, affected it in any way?

I doubt it.

06-09-2012, 07:49 PM	#51
genghisfawn Member How Do You Identify?: Femme/Gentlewoman Preferred Pronoun?: She/her Relationship Status: Happily married 05/17/14 Join Date: Jan 2012 Location: Saskatchewan, Canada Posts: 561 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,056 Thanked 2,158 Times in 403 Posts Rep Power: 21474850	Part 1 of 5: Logistic availability 1) How often do you see your friends in person? As often as possible. We're all busy people but we tend to put quality time over quantity of time. 2) How often do you talk on the phone, email, skype, etc. a friend? If I don't see my best friend for a few weeks (we live in different cities) we text each other private jokes and random blather to keep things going. I have other friends that require more maintenance, but even if my response isn't immediate, they know it's coming. 3) Is childcare a consideration, when you’re making plans with a friend? Not for me. Some of my friends have young kids, so I just head over there and hope for a few minutes of grown-up time. 4) Are finances a consideration? I have friends of all ages and stages. Besides, there are as many fun free and cheap things to do as there are costly ones. 5) Is accessibility or health a consideration? Nope. One of my friends actually trusts me to drive her wheelchair van (at her peril, folks, at her peril, hahaha.) 6) Is your work or class schedule a consideration? Yes, unfortunately. I'm single, thus I'm busy. I work 40-48 hours a week, I'm involved in the performing arts when in season, I have my mother and brother who love and need me, I'm a church-goer who is in the choir and social justice committee... I see you when I see you, but we make it a hell of a good time. 7) Does last-minute planning figure into your friendships, either out of necessity or just because that’s the way you prefer it? I do last-minute when I can... it's fun that way, and I feel all daring when someone says, "Hey, want to meet me at Cranberry Flats in an hour and bring your camera?" Part 2 of 5: Boundaries, expectations and values 1) What are your thoughts on butch/femme friendships? I have butch friends, femme friends, man friends, woman friends, kid friends, dog friends, etc. Friendships are precious, period. 2) If your partner didn’t like someone, would you still be friends with that person? I'd need to know, honestly, why. My close friends know me so well that any partner of mine would probably do better to befriend them rather than be jealous or annoyed by them. Even if they didn't get along as friends, I'd want them to be civil to one another and have my partner respect the friendship and my friend respect the relationship. 3) Describe a time someone cut you off as a friend. My friend Sadie from university was a close friend. She and I were inseparable. We took classes together, hung out frequently, shared everything, slept in the same bed and called each other "wifey". I tend to make very intimate connections with close friends, and so does she. When she was getting ready to move to another city, she cut our friendship off at the root in order to cope with having to leave and the friendship having to change. I grieved her for a long time, and not a day goes by when I don't think of her, but I respected her need because I loved her. 4) Describe a time you cut someone off as a friend. I'm in the process of doing it right now, unfortunately. I've tried hard to get the friendship to change and progress, but one person can't do that in a mutual relationship alone, so I'm gradually reducing the amount of time and energy this friend has of mine and eventually I'll have to let it go. The time we spend together only stresses me out, and cutting the friendship off is a last-ditch resort after trying everything else. It sucks, but it has to be done. 5) How would you respond, if you realized a friend had a substance abuse problem? Been there. I love them and support them and suspend my judgement. 6) How would you respond, if your friend were in an abusive relationship? Been there, as well. I learned from my first serious relationship, which was abusive, and how my friends responded when we were 18 and 19. Now that we're grown-ups and we've agreed to help each other out when this stuff comes up, we're honest with one another. I don't push, but I do tell them what I see and let them know periodically that I have their back. If they need me, I'm there. 7) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (partnered) friend, what would you do? It's happened. It's not worth the bother it would cause by telling them, and I'd never do anything about it, so I just try to find out why I'm attracted to them and hope that I can turn the feelings into a better friendship. 8) If you began to have romantic feelings about your (single) friend, what would you do? Sometimes romances begin as friendships. I would never get a crush on a close friend, but when I've developed a crush on a new friend or acquaintance, sometimes I've let it be known (but I'm usually too shy.) Sometimes things have happened, and sometimes not, but I figure most people like to know someone thinks they're a hottie! 9) If your friend had what you considered an annoying, albeit harmless habit, would you tell her? If it really gets under my skin, I tell them. I've also been in the horrible position of having someone say, "Be honest with me. (Particular destructive behaviour)... is it a bad thing? What do you think?" and I have to be diplomatic but honest. 10) Describe a time that you “outgrew” a friend, if applicable. I've outgrown my high school friends all within the last year. The stress of their infighting got to be too much, and it hasn't changed in so many years, and I needed to be free of it. I still see them one on one sometimes, and I enjoy it, but I can't be with them in a group or talk about the others with them. 11) How many years have you known your oldest friend? How have you managed to stay friends, over time? My oldest friend and I have known each other since we were 14 and 15 and met in the youth orchestra. She was 2nd clarinet, and I was 3rd double bass. It was an unlikely pairing, but today we are the bestest of besties and I'm glad I complimented her Our Lady Peace shirt that day. 12) Do you have any friends who are exes? What’s your philosophy about that? Most of my exes are friends, or we were friends after the relationship but had to come apart for various reasons. The two exes I never speak to anymore are unspeakable for various reasons, and I just leave it at that. Sometimes it's because we were better off as friends than lovers, so why not be friends? 13) How do you feel about “friends with benefits”? Did it. Emotionally screwed me up. Won't do it again. 14) How do your expectations of a friend differ from your expectations of a romantic partner? Physical intimacy and first point-of-call are the only criteria I require out of a partner and not my friends. The airing of bullshit and relationship advice are things I require out of friends and not from a partner. 15) Describe a time when you really came through for a friend. Last summer, one of my close friends had a serious mental health breakdown. So many years of shit came out in the process. His wife at the time was pregnant and had the 3-year-old and 13-year-old at home, they were down to one salary and they needed help. I gave them food, I had the wife over a lot and let her drink my coffee, eat my Gaviscon and lie on my living room floor and cry. At the time it was all I could do, but I took care of her so she could go home and take care of everyone a little better. 16) Describe a time a friend really came through for you. This past summer was the worst of my life. I'd been dumped, my life had gone 180, I was sick and stoned out on painkillers, I was waiting for surgery and I couldn't work. Oh, and because I was on EI I was painfully poor. My best friend came home for the summer (she's a teacher) and basically dragged my ass back from the depression which accompanies an illness and got me to rejoin the world. Bless her. I love her more than life itself. 17) What are a few deal breakers that would stop you being friends with someone? I don't have hard limits with friendships. People are people, no matter what. I've had to stop being friends with people, though, when the way they live is incompatible with the way I live (heavy drug-users, heavy partiers, etc.) out of self-preservation. 18) What are the kinds of characters flaws you can overlook in a friend? Most things, actually. Everyone is quirky, and I am certainly not exempt. I can put up with a lot of quirks, eccentricities, specifics, etc. but I sometimes call people on destructive, manipulative or aggressive behaviours for their own sake and mine. Part 3 of 5: How important is it to you that: 1) …your friend’s age is fairly close to yours? - Not important. 2) …your friend’s educational level is similar to yours? - Not very important, but I need a high level of conversation. 3) …your friend’s economic situation is similar to yours? - Not important. 4) …your friend’s religious beliefs are similar to yours? - Not important. 5) …your friend’s class background is similar to yours? - Not important. 6) …your friend’s gender identity or sexual preference is similar to yours? - Not important. 7) …your small or adult children like your friends? - Haven't got any. 8) …your friends like to include your children, when you hang out together? - Haven't got any, but I don't mind including theirs sometimes (but being the single, kidless one, I'm the friend they go to for grown-up time anyhow!) Part 4 of 5: Which of the following shared activities with a friend appeal to you? 1) Attending singles events and supporting each other as you scan the environment for someone to flirt with, etc. Like a bar? Sure. I'm a great wingwoman. 2) Exercising; outdoors or indoors Ex...ercise? Like they do on teevee? 3) Watching movies or videos; at home or in a theater Once in awhile. 4) Playing video or electronic games; at home or somewhere else ish. Meh. 5) Attending sports events or watching sports on TV Only Saskatchewan Roughrider games! 6) Participating in team sports Depends on the sport, depends on the team. My bestie and I like to go curling and skating in winter! 7) Attending cultural events (museums, concerts, readings, etc.) Absolutely! 8) Shopping I really have to be in the mood. 9) Cooking, or eating in restaurants All the time! 10) Visiting wildlife centers, going to a county fair, hanging out to watch the dog run in an urban area, bird watching You bet. We've already planned trips to Cranberry Flats and Batoche for the summer. 11) Other Bonfires (summer and winter), picnics, summer festivals, WalMart jousting... the list is endless! Part 5 of 5: What important things has this survey left out? I think people value different things in their friendships, so the survey itself was a good preliminary exercise in evaluating how I see my friends and friendships, but also got me thinking about the deeper, more personal things. Thanks for writing it! BONUS QUESTION: In your opinion, has the fact that this survey was created by a femme, affected it in any way? I doubt it.