[Miss Scarlett]

(((((Diva))))) Hon it took me a long time and some counseling to learn and understand that there is no wrong way to grieve as long as you allow yourself to grieve...am here if you need an ear or shoulder...sending you strength and peaceful energy...

Originally Posted by thedivahrrrself

YSK I don't know how I'm supposed to act or feel right now. I'm a mixed up bundle of emotions, and I'm going to make a few missteps along this way.

YSK I've never been good at grieving. I am much better at fixing things and doing things. So that's what I focus on, what I can do to try to make things better for others who are hurting right now, and I hope maybe by easing some of their pain, it will diminish my own.

When my father died, everyone was a wreck, so I made all the phone calls, all the arrangements. It was a month before I cried. I just kept staying so busy that I couldn't. Every time someone close to me dies, I have this urge. Because I don't know what else to do but to DO something.

YSK, you fellow YSK'ers who have my number, that I appreciate your phone calls. I'm sorry I'm not much for conversation, and I'm sorry I can't just open up and spill out my emotions. I know it would probably make me feel better, but I don't know how to talk about these things. That doesn't mean I don't appreciate you trying, and I am grateful that you are there. I'm writing because it's easier for me than talking, so here's an update on my progress:

YSK that in the 7 stages of grief, I hit stage 2 (guilt & pain) first, then stage 1 (denial & shock). It would be like me to do things out of order! Now it seems I am on to stage 3 (anger & bargaining), because I'm really pissed off today! I feel this pent-up rage, and I keep trying to point it at different people. I hope this stage passes quickly. The book (ok, website) says I can do permanent damage to my relationships in this stage and that I should watch myself.

I wish I were a boxer or a fighter or that I could swing a hammer at something, but all I know how to do is sing. Where is the angry grief song that I can sing? Where is the why-am-I-so-fucking-sad song?

YSK this is ridiculously rambly. Thanks for listening, friends.