Originally Posted by yotlyolqualli
I wasn't diagnosed with PTSD until two years ago. There are so many things that I've been through, some of my own doing, that sometimes it amazes me that I can crawl out of bed in the mornings.
I'm not going into great detail here, I'd rather not relive the details.
Molested at age 5, neighbor boy.
Molested at age 7, brother (I have to say here, that what happened with my brother, would probably have not even registered, if not for the previous abuse)
Molested at age 9, female cousin
Molested at age 10, elementary school janitor.
The first happened in the dark basement of an abandoned house, our old house. Daddy had built us a new one.
Home no longer felt safe for me. I became terrified of the dark.
The second happened in our new home.
No where felt safe to me, except my woods.
The third happened in my woods.
I was devastated.
The fourth took place over a two week period in the basement of my elementary school.
I had no where to go. He had his daughter call my house and ask for me, then he would get on the phone and just breathe. He was a very heavy man, bald, smelly.
I became perpetually terrified that he would kill my parents and siblings and take me away. A threat he made often.
Of all the incidents, I recall each one in vivid detail. Except, I never remembered what happened in that school basement. I remember him meeting me at the top of the stairs, touching my ass as we walked down those stairs. This happened every day for two weeks. My next clear memory, on each day, was walking up the driveway, crying. My mother, after two weeks, threatened to spank me if I didn't tell her what was wrong. I did. It stopped.
As an adult, I have been raped, by a woman. I have been whipped, beaten, kicked, bitten, burned, punched, flailed and chained.
There are triggers, that can send me into panic mode. The scent of an overweight man. The sound of his breathing. Being approached by someone from behind. Darkness. Basements. The scent of a cigarette. I never know what will trigger me, but the reaction is always the same.
A sick, twisted, vulnerable, churning of my stomach, a need to self harm, a need to rid myself of that memory, that feeling.
Tonight, in the chat room, I was triggered. Nothing happend that was bad, or wrong. Nothing was said that could possibly be thought of as sick or twisted. But just the same. I felt a need to scream, to cut my skin so that the crawling bugs sensation on it would stop. A nausea, and a NEED to scream out NO! Stop!
I hate being triggered. Something else was triggered as well.
In my last relationship, because my partner was not yet ready to "settle down", I was not permitted to openly show a sexual/or even intellectual interest in her, in or on any public forum. Once, I misposted on her myspace, and her reaction was over the top. She screamed at me, ranted at me, made me apologize to her "toy" (her word) of the day who was so hurt by my comment. Made me go delete the comment from her myspace. The relationship was IRL and she made me feel like nothing, over an online comment.
Tonight, I posted something that was meant to be private, on someone's visitor board. When I realized I did it, I started crying. I immediately tried to do "damage" control. I worried and was, quite literally, a basket case.
Until I realized what I was doing, and why. While the post was definitely not supposed to be seen by anyone but the person I posted too, it was not something that would cause an uproar.
I was allowing my past, to project my ex's abusive behavior, onto someone else. Not fair to her, or me. I am still sitting here, nauseous, but at least I recognize it for what it is. I've been "triggered."
Anyone else out there, that deals with this kind of thing? Most of my triggers have been physical... scent, darkness, sound... but this was purely psychological.
If not for my faith and belief in God, I would have long since gone off the deep end.
Thanks for letting me vent.
Lissa
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