[Nomad]

i'm the femme that is both strangely drawn to and doesn't know what to write in forums like this one. so i type and delete and type and delete and type and delete because everything i write seems trite, falsely humble or blatantly self-serving.

the most honest thing i can come up with is that i'm the kind of femme that wants to feel safe and is tired of nodding her head when other people say "that feeling comes from inside of you, not outside of you". to those people i can only nod in logical agreement and say "thankyousoveryfuckoffmuch."

i'm the kind of femme that does one helluva lot wrong and maybe a little bit right and i hafta hang on to that little bit right because it makes me feel like rehabilitation might be possible. one day, with luck and some divine grace, i'll make a full recovery into realgrownuphumanbeinghood.

i'm the kind of femme with a lot of mouth and not too many brains but the brains i have work just fine so you can stop trying to dazzle me with your bull and your ridiculous excuses because i've heard them all and from smoother than you. i'm a sucker for charm and a fool for love and i may not hang around for a second helping of damnthishurtslikecrazy but i also don't just turn love off when the spit hits the spinny propeller thingy, so no matter where we end up neither one of us will be alone because i'm here for both of us until one of us is dead.

i'm the directionless femme that drags her raggletaggle girlfaith north, east and west when life is going south. i can mcgyver together some hope with a piece gum, a dozen broken promises, a sappy romance movie, two sticks and a dead bee. call me stupid. call me naive. just don't call me a taxi because i'll leave when i'm damn well ready and not a minute before. and before i go i'll beat that dead relationship horse until it gets up and walks again just to get away from me. and when you shake your head and say "you're crazy! let it go" i'll say "yup that's me, what of it? how am i hurting you by giving things another shot?" i'd rather give that dead horse a couple of kicks than lose the race because i didn't try.

i'm the kind of femme who misses out on connection because she hides her feelings from and refuses to show vulnerability to just anyone and the next person she does show it to better damn well cherish it or they can collect their ass at the door because i'm gonna hand it to them whenever i feel like it.

i'm the kind of femme that has grown into subtle wariness, becoming (unwillingly) harder on the outside because the inside of me refuses to be exposed to one more person who won't cherish and protect the genuinly warm girl that i am.

i'm the femme who pretends things are fine because people don't like to make room for them not to be. i lie and dissimulate in order to survive the ego responses of others and and i make no pretense about it anymore. everyone does it. i'm just the only person i know who's got the stones to admit it.