[Parker]

Originally Posted by June

Parker, tell us about how it felt to kiss a girl/woman for the first time. We'll work our way up to 2nd base later when we'ved lulled you into a false sense of security.

Oh good god damn, woman, you are making me reach back 20 years!

Coming out for me was so hard - there was so much shame - and it took me, literally, years to come to terms with not only who I was but that it was ok; and it all happened right when I first joined the Navy, which I always felt was kind of ironic.

Interestingly enough, I dont remember the first time I kissed a woman. I remember the first time a woman touched my hand in a suggestive way - she was on watch duty and I was visiting her because it was late at night and I thought she could use the company. She was the first lesbian I'd ever "known" and we met right after boot camp when we were waiting to go to airman apprenticeship school (a basic school for those of us who just "signed up" and didnt have an actual job yet).

When she touched my hand, I froze - I had no idea what to do with myself. Spending so many years kinda sorta thinking you like girls but being told that was wrong, while trying to like boys even though that felt weird created an unbelievable lack of experience - so it wasnt as though I had been through this before with dudes - I literally had no clue what to do.

All I remember is my head feeling very thick, I got quite dizzy, and a voice in my head just kept screaming, "kiss her damnit! kiss her!"

Eventually - which in reality was probably like 2 seconds later lol, I pulled my hand away and made an excuse as to why I had to leave.

The next "first" I remember with a woman was my first sexual experience, which started out as though I had no idea what body parts were what! Again, I froze and I was so scared and unsure of myself. It wasnt that it felt "wrong" it was more like I felt like I wasnt "allowed" to be doing this and feeling this way. I was scared and excited, unsure and ready for anything, I was filled with shame and boldness at the same time.

In the beginning, the shame and fear won out and she literally had to put my hands where she wanted them and talk me through things; but eventually, the boldness won out and I was able to wrap my head around what I was doing, let go, and just run with it.

It's fun to look back on that scared little baby dyke now and remember how scary all of those firsts were - a time when you thought every mistake would be remembered and mocked forever, without realizing that the exploration was the fun part ... and really, kinda the point.