[Nomad]

i dont have a clue what my crush would be like. but it got me to thinkin what i want to be like, look like and treat me like the next time i crush, or even if i never crush again.

the next time i crush i want to be someone who takes up more room in a relationship rather than the person who backs up from rather than steps up to who she is. my biggest mistake in life is embracing worry instead of letting go. when i do this i forget to be exactly who i am and i begin to be someone who will do anything to make everything right which is not a possible thing to begin with.

the next time i crush i want to look like a truer version of myself, not the self i think i should be or think someone else is hoping i'll become. this is a lie that i trick myself with and the only thing it leads to is a sense of unworthiness which is also a lie because i am completely worthy of love.

the next time i crush i want to treat myself the way i would treat someone i love. i know that everyone has bad moments or bad days or even bad weeks but underlying all that crazy is love. love is a whole that is so much larger than the sum of its parts but we focus on the feeling it creates in our bodies and minds rather than on the things that love is supposed to mean. love, the verb, is made up of respect, compassion, honesty, trust, faith, loyalty, healthy expectation, accountability, endurance and humor. i am guilty of treating myself to none of these things and so i am also guilty of depriving my partner of them. this makes the circumstance of love into a noun which deprives it of its texture and and suppleness, rendering it into something that is 2 dimensional. when love becomes a noun its easier to take things for granted and to let yourself slip into non-recognizing behavior. i consistently fail to recognize myself as someone i should love; love with all the active components that make it a 3D experience. when i treat myself 2 dimensionally i teach other people to treat me that way also. and worse, i do the same to them.

i think we need to spend more time sincerely learning to crush on ourselves for a change. if we loved ourselves that much how could anyone else fail to see how worthy we are of the effort? maybe even more importantly we might be able to convince others that they should love themselves just as fiercely because they are worth the effort too.