[LoyalWolfsBlade]

It has taken me almost four months to type the word transgender into the BFP search and find my way here. My very first post in the listening to you thread stated I was hiding even in a community where I did not think I needed to. You know though I felt I do need to hide from the lesbian community. Whether they are butch, femme, dyke, FTM, or any other label on the spectrum of homosexuality. Hell sometimes I still hide from myself out of fear of so many things. Well I made some major decisions today that I have been thinking about for a long time now. So, here I am fulfilling the need and respecting the decision to be truly honest with the BFP community but more so to go back to being honest with myself. I am not a butch on any spectrum have not been for many years now however, I am not a FTM either I have known that for almost as long. I am a transgendered man or as I am discovering the new word is gender queer. I hid here for the same reason I have hid in real life it is real lonely being a trans not fitting into either the butch/femme community or the FTM/MTF community.
I never "came out" of the closet because I was never in one in my mind after all I was not a "lesbian". I was just in the wrong body in my mind so it was perfectly natural for me to be attracted to girls and women when I was a kid. I was always a "tomboy" growing up. I just recalled my 10th Christmas when I received this little wallet that was supposed to go into a play purse and how I just took it and instinctively put it into my back pocket...boy the crap I caught for that lol...but that is just how natural it was for me back then. I hated my birth name it was just wrong. Yet I could not get and still cannot get my bio-family to call me anything but that curse of a name. I am Alix I have always been Alix in my heart, mind, body and soul.
My journey from butch to transgendered was a rough and rocky one. Mainly due to lack of support and information available. Anyway part of that journey included exploring whether I was really a FTM and I finally came to the decision I was not but only because I do not want the surgery. I do not feel I have to change my body to be the man I am. I do not see breast when I look at myself and IF the woman touches me in that area I limit it to the nipple area because hey I know bio men that enjoy that stimulation so I do not find it strange that as a man I do. I have had relationships with women that failed because I refused to be true to myself. However the successful ones I have has happened when I did present as a man. However I have only had that success with bisexual women or women that id as straight but don’t want bio men. I have not had the honor of meeting a woman that id as a femme that wanted to be with me as a gender queer but it could happen. I think that is why I return to the hiding mode so easily. The butch/femme community for me locally is pretty nonexistent never mind the danger of being transgendered here. The sad thing is I do not live in a small rural community either.
Well I am getting close to my number count max and not sure I really said what I wanted to say. So I will end with I am glad I found this thread because sometimes it is hard to be a transgendered man that does not want the surgery. Hi everyone I am a 45 year old transgendered man and it feels good to finally say that on this site.