Quote:
Originally Posted by IslandScout
Nobody talks about lost friends as "exes," but I think it hurts just as much and sometimes more, to lose a friend than to lose a lover. The awkward negotiating of how to renew a damaged friendship is just as hard as trying to be friends with an ex—once trust is lost, or certain boundaries are crossed, it's sometimes just not worth it, and it's sometimes hard to know if it's worth it.
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Kinda nerdy but I'm quoting myself here because I've been thinking about my ex-friends, which loom as large for me in the constellation of my life as ex-lovers.
When I first wrote I was thinking about my friend D from more than ten years ago, a gay guy I was incredibly close with, but my partner was threatened by our friendship, and was sometimes rude to him, for example, when she answered the phone and passed it to me—which was a real break in character for her, because she was, above all else, polite, and very concerned with outward appearance.
Anyway it took years for me to not feel sad about losing that friendship. I wrote him three sad letters over the years, trying to renew the connection, and he ignored them. I saw him once on the subway, and he ignored me. It was so liberating, his zany braininess, the likes of which I have encountered so rarely in my life. That kind of fun is not fun to lose.
I was also thinking about a recent loss of a friend, who came back into my life not long after he left. I'm talking about my elderly friend that I go to readings with, who cut me off because of a misunderstanding generated by his alcoholic daughter. The details don't matter, what matters is that he wrote me a few weeks later and said, "I'm sorry I banished you from life—if that's indeed what I did," and our friendship resumed.
But it doesn't feel the same. I just don't feel the trust anymore. I always knew he was a high-maintenance, difficult little snot, but it never mattered till it was directed at me. Now I realize he could cut off our friendship at any moment, and knowing that has affected how much I can invest in the friendship emotionally. I try to have a good time when we go to readings but I feel a little bit like I'm walking on egg shells.
And I'm thinking of all this because tonight, I'm having dinner with a woman who was my best friend, and moved to L.A with her new husband three years ago. It was so hard for me when she moved. I cried every time I heard her voice on the phone. And it was awkward because it wasn't as hard for her, not at all. She was swamped with people to see, including her family, every time she came back to town, and never had time to see me one-on-one—ouch. But I just went with the flow, and didn't pressure her or make an issue out of it. I figured any kind of connection with her was better than none at all.
And tonight I'm seeing her like I always do, at a big group dinner in the East Village. So I have mixed feelings, but I'll keep them to myself.
I know this thread is supposed to be about exes who were lovers, but for me, friends are just as important in the long run and sometimes, more so, and when they become an "ex," it can be just as significant a transition to negotiate.