Quote:
Originally Posted by honeybarbara
what a mire. normally I'm pretty good with staying on friendly terms. I have even tried to stay on friendly terms with my detached wife (divorce impending) but I have now realised I'm nuts for trying to be be friends with her.
I'm also trying to be friends, and actually we are very good friends, with the person I turned to after my wife fucked off and her wife fucked off. Unfortunately, there's always a bit of sexual tension floating around; that's never happened to me before by the way, this is a first. It can confuse me.
My detached wife just sort of pulled the final straw with me. I can't cope with this anymore. I can't cope with trying to pay rent on a two bedroom house by myself and I can't get a lodger because I'm a sex worker (prodomme, just for money, not cause that's my actual role in my relationships) and I don't want a stranger in my house especially when I'm stressed.
I'm tired, I've fallen way behind in school, I haven't done any writting for my book in weeks, I don't believe or trust that anyone would want me for keeps. They all find me sexy and interesting for a few months and then when faced with a real person and not some fantasy ideal, they fuck off.
I want to dump school, dump this house, and fuck off. Go home. I'm tired of trying by myself, I'm not a citizen here, I've been here for 9 fucking years busting my ass and I have NO idea why anymore.
If I go home... I'll have lots tons of friends, I'll have failed coming over here, I'll have qwuit school, but jesus at least it will be easier. I won't have a the threat of constantaly maybe not making rent.
I have no credit rating here. My mates all live fuck off away. My wife is a fucking wankrag, I can't get laid except by crazy people. I'm supporting myself by kicking people across the living room. and I don't know why I'm here, aside from school.
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HB, you wrote, "They all find me sexy and interesting for a few months and then when faced with a real person and not some fantasy ideal, they fuck off."
Ow, that hit home. I try to
start as the "real person" but it just doesn't always happen that way. The way I see it, anyone who doesn't see the "real person" in you from the get-go is maybe blinded by something that doesn't have anything to do with you. But it disqualifies them from your attention, don't you think? Their loss, not yours.
I also know what it's like to feel like a failure. I always feel that way when a relationship ends, whether ending was something I wanted or not. And I've felt that way at times, around my work. But I don't hear a failure, in your words.
Not much to say here really, just admire how straight-on you see things, and how much I appreciate that you put it out there.