i had so much fun last night! i didnt expect to and i really didnt even want to go at first but things were so relaxed and the conversation was so interesting and the event i attended was more amazing than i expected it to be! i wanted it all to last forever! now that it's over i cant stop thinking about how i felt and what was talked about and what happened at each interval that made it feel so good to experience!
i dont know when i forgot how to have fun. i'm thinking i've been a real drag to anyone who hung out with me in the last year or two. or G*d forbid more than that! i should send out letters that said "sorry i was a buzzkill and i hope i didnt negatively impact your life because i was so wrapped up in being this version of myself."
i've gotten really serious in the last 5 years or so. ive forgotten what it's like to have a sense of humor or to relax or to not worry about everything. i dont know how to
not jump up to take care of things when people need something or to try to fix whatever isnt going right so that no one has to find a solution themselves or just cope and ride out the storm. i dont mean that in a ego focused way that really means
"i'm so much better than you and i have to take care of all of this because i dont trust you to be capable". i'm not interested in being a controlling pseudo martyr who thinks she's got to take care of everything and everyone but maybe i've been acting like it and i dont know it or wont acknowledge it to myself.
actually come to think of it maybe i have been acting like that. i honestly dont think that other people arent capable. but i do get caught up in thinking that if i dont do it then it wont get done.
if i'm doing that kind of thing then it means i've turned into my mother and that's just not ok with me. i think i really do owe some apologies. but how do you apologize for
forgetting how to just relax and be yourself?